The whole breastfeeding thing...

With both my pregnancies, I told myself that I would breastfeed. Thanks to society, you constantly hear, "breast is best!" over and over again until it's pounded into your head and eventually you just come to accept the fact that yes...breast really IS best. And I'm not going to get into a big debate on why or why not, to each her own, but what I have come to realize is, like so many things (such as things like telling people, hey, sometimes babies can die!) nobody ever tells you that breastfeeding can be hard and one of the more difficult things new Moms can encounter.

I never had a chance to breastfeed Alexandra, so I really wanted to at least try with Joshua. I did try and I continue to nurse him when I can or feel like it. In the hospital, I had a wonderful lactation consultant teach me the proper way to hold him and have him latch. It all seemed good once I finally got the hang of it. But once I left the hospital, I don't know if it was the pain meds or what, but a few days afterward, the initial latch started to hurt like hell. Nobody ever warns you about that! I remember the first 10-30 seconds was just awful and I was starting to almost regret feeding him and that in itself made me feel plain awful. I was starting to wonder if that was normal or if I was doing something wrong. After countless hours of research, reading and asking around, I have found out that it was normal and I wasn't going crazy like I had thought. I was very close to giving up all together and was thinking of just pumping or switching to formula. The first day we tried formula, I was in tears every time I gave him a bottle. I felt like I was depriving him of whatever it was and I felt guilty. Why? Oh yeah, society...my doctor... random women online I don't know...all say that "breast is best" and that I'm a bad mother for wanting to do anything other than breastfeed for the first six months! But who were they to tell me what to do? It hurt damnit and after recovering from a c-section in addition to crazy latch on pain was not appealing to me! And I figured, if I'm not happy, how would that affect Joshua?

So pumping and formula worked and continues to work well for Joshua and me. I am also pleased to say that after the initial two weeks of breastfeeding, I tried again on a whim (and laziness - what? I have to run the dishwasher again to wash bottles?) and when I tried then, it didn't hurt anymore. Just like that! So I have come to the conclusion that the first two weeks, it just takes some getting used to and after that it's not too bad. The majority of the time I'm using formula and pumping because it works, but every so often I breastfeed. Eventually, I'm going to stop all together, but lately I have had a hard time doing that because like I learned from Friends, 'you always have to have a backup!'. The breastfeeding seems like a good backup to have right now. I'm constantly thinking to myself that I have the breastmilk, why not breastfeed or at least pump when you have it? And then of course I'm constantly thinking that this is the best thing for Joshua and I'm also hearing my doctor preaching to me about antibodies and packed pediatrician offices with sick kids because they were only bottle fed...  in the end, it's the damn guilt and everything that makes me keep pumping and breastfeeding. I don't like that 'guilt', but I know that every day breastfed or given breastmilk is better than none. I just have to keep telling myself that until I believe it myself. :-) 

1 month old!!!

My Joshua is going to be one-month old tomorrow and I can hardly believe it. Time seemed to drag when I was pregnant with him and now it seems to be slipping by too fast. These past four weeks have been simply amazing. I'm in love with my little man. :-)  He's such a good baby. He only cries when he needs to be changed or if he's hungry and that's it (so far)! The rest of the time he just sleeps and for about ten minutes or so, he'll be awake and look around. I like to think he's looking at Alexandra somewhere.

I have to be honest though and say, the fear I had when I was pregnant with him is still here, but not the same. I'm still terrified something is going to happen to him, but I feel like I have a better sense of control over it, if that makes any sense. I'm not worried that my body is going to kill him overnight like I was. His head right now scares me the most. I keep thinking of Fools Rush In, when the one relative tells Matthew Perry's character to hold the baby's head when she hands him her baby and he says, "Why, is it going to fall off?" LOL! But I have a feeling he's not quite as fragile as I think he is. He's a tough little guy. I am constantly checking to see if he's still breathing or poking him to make him move. I know if Alexandra was here, I would have done that with her too, but I doubt it would be on my mind all the time. I think after a loss, it's just natural to imagine everything that can/could go wrong. I know most parents do anyway, but I think after a loss, those thoughts stay with you even more. Nevertheless, despite all the fear, I am loving every day with Joshua. I love the diaper changing. I love the feedings. I love the crying. I love it all!

Here are a few pictures of the little guy. I realize I haven't been blogging as often as I would like, so if there are any questions about Joshua or whatever, please ask. I realized after I had Joshua, there were so many questions and things I had no clue about and I wish I would have asked beforehand!! So, I'd be happy to answer any questions if there are any. 

When I was pregnant, I refused to read anything about what happens AFTER the baby is born because I thought it might "jinx" things...and now I'm thinking, hmm..maybe I should have read some of that stuff after all. :-)  So I'm still learning too... A LOT.

  

Dear Joshua

Dear Joshua,

Someday, you are going to be old enough to read all about your big sister and all about the journey I've had to bring you home. Having you was probably one of the most challenging things I have ever done, next to saying goodbye to your big sister. I was (and still am) terrified of losing you and it's so scary because I know what can happen and you are wanted so much by us all. The only thing that you need to know is how loved you are, just like your sister.

First off, let me start by saying you were not actually due until February 19th! I could still be pregnant with you and right now, that is hard for me to imagine. The last few weeks of my pregnancy with you were horrifying for me. I couldn't sleep because I was afraid I would lose you during the night. Every night, I gave you a little pep talk to get through the night. I would say, 'Joshua, get big and strong! Move around a lot and have a good night, I love you!' and Daddy would say, 'Joshua...stay alive!'. It's sweet and endearing and very sad at the same time because I doubt expecting parents say those type of things to their babies unless they have suffered a loss like your Mommy & Daddy did with Alexandra. But we did everything we could think of to bring you home safe. We had three doctors watching you and monitored you every night. I listened to your heartbeat for half an hour each night just to be sure you were okay.

Luckily, your doctors wanted you to be born early, at 37 weeks! So on February 3, 2011, we were off to the hospital to have you via a scheduled c-section. It was a cold day here, 14 degrees to be exact! There were school closings and power outages everywhere, including your hospital! Because of that, we had to wait around for a good seven hours. You were supposed to be delivered sometime after 9:30 a.m. Instead, you came into the world at 2:49 p.m., weighing in at 6 lbs. 11 oz., 18.8 in. long and perfect in every way! I remember the doctors showing us to you right after you were delivered and you were not happy at all to be out in the world, but I fell in love with your little cry the minute I heard it. Daddy got to hold you first. What a wonderful feeling it was to see you cry and open your eyes.

You are a wonderful baby. You only cry when you are wet or hungry and all the other times, you are very content just sleeping. I can't wait until you start to stay awake a little more. I love it when you are awake, just looking around at everything. I love seeing your pretty eyes. I love you so much and I cannot tell you how happy you are making your Mommy & Daddy and entire family. You have so many family and friends who are so happy to see you too. You are very loved and I am sure you are going to be spoiled rotten every day. I hope you know what a great big sister you have. I wish you could have met her and I wish she could be here with you today, but I will make sure you know a little bit about her while you are here. She'll watch over you every day, just like she watches over your Mommy & Daddy.

Welcome to the world Joshua William. We are so happy and thrilled you made it here, safe and sound.

15 days....

I and Joshua have to hang in there for fifteen days. I'm anxious to say the least. It's only two weeks, but it feels like an eternity. If I could stay up for the next two weeks, I think I would be fine, but the nights are the hardest. I have anxiety every single night. I give Joshua a "pep talk" every night telling him to hang in there for a couple of more weeks. My husband talks to him and tells him to "stay alive tonight".... Expecting fathers should not have to do that. Every night I'm thinking, 'what if he doesn't make it through the night?' What if this turns into a nightmare all over again? What am I going to do? I cannot handle losing another baby. I feel like I am so close and so far at the same time. I'm trying to get excited, but remain cautious at the same time. It's such a mixture of emotions. I hate that I cannot blissfully just look forward to this baby coming like a normal pregnant woman. I want to brag about nesting. I want to act innocent and I almost want to be able to be one of "those" women who complain about the last few weeks because they are so uncomfortable, but I will never do that because I have grown to hate those kind of women. I'm enjoying every kick and turn. I don't mind the kicks in the ribs. I don't mind not being able to sleep, but I do mind not being able to sleep because I'm afraid my baby will die during the night. I don't think any mother should have to have that worry. Most mothers worry about that after their baby is born. I already am. :-(  I'm almost thinking of asking my doctor to push up my c-section too, like the day I turn 37 weeks! Is that even possible? I suppose I could ask. My anxiety is getting the best of me, so maybe it's worth a shot or maybe, I can hang in there for the next two weeks. I just want him in my arms safe and sound.

35 weeks!!!

Well, here I am. 35 weeks and 2 days. I am officially more pregnant than I ever was with Alexandra. I'm still scared out of my mind. I just can't help but think, everything is going textbook perfect so far... it's just too familiar and I really wish Feb. 3rd would hurry up and get here. :-)

We had an ultrasound today and everything looked good. Joshua is 5 lbs. 7 oz. He is just a little more than where Alexandra was. She weighed 5 lbs. 2 oz. when she was born. I will be continuing my NSTs twice a week and have another follow up ultrasound in ten days. At first my doctor told us he didn't need to see us anymore, but we told him we would feel better if we did, at least once again. So he was happy to see us again just so we would feel better. I love that.

I'm hoping things remain uneventful for the next couple of weeks. I really, really want to bring this little guy home with me. Here is a picture of him from him today.

Wishing

For those that are curious, this is what the monitor looks like if you see Dr. Collins. It has brought me some peace of mind, but then there's the worry about actually going to bed and going to sleep during the night. Anyway, the whole reason for this post is I can't help but wonder what it would have been like had we had this for Alexandra? Would we have been able to catch something? Was her heartrate slowly declining? I am almost convinced that it was because I vaguely remember the further along I got, the harder her heartbeat was to find with my doppler. And the doppler was reading low, but I NEVER thought of anything of it. How was I to know? It was my first pregnancy. I didn't know what the normal heartrate was for babies and I never bothered to ask because every visit was "normal". I know the "what ifs" are useless and there's nothing I can do about it now, but I always wonder every night.

Tomorrow is also the scary "35 week" mark. I had an appointment today for an NST and things were good. My gut is telling me this baby is going to be born, but my head is giving me dark thoughts every now and then. I think after I get through this week and milestone, I might actually start to "feel better". I think.  Be strong Joshua! Only a few more weeks to go! Keep it up! :-)

What now?

I think the last couple months have been the hardest... or who am I kidding? Everything since Alexandra has been just plain hard. I've had a cold on and off since December. Then I had some ear issues and yesterday I woke up to the sweet pain of a toothache, which has now been diagnosed as a cavity and abscess, really? Ugh. But the bright side in all of this is Joshua is kicking away, our nightly monitor readings look good along with the NSTs, but somehow I'm still not comforted by any of that. This tooth thing really worried me because I've heard of infections getting into the baby and being fatal! Are you kidding me?!?! I'm 34 weeks pregnant, almost to the scary week. I don't need to think about that right now! However, I went to my dentist today and he prescribed me some antibiotics for the abscess and scheduled work to be done after the baby was born, so talking to him, plus my other doctor, I think I'm okay. Still scary though, especially since I've made the big step of purchasing clothes/bedding for this little guy. I'm almost afraid to get excited about all of these things. It's all too familiar. All the clothes are bought. The bedding is bought. We have the furniture...and are just waiting. Waiting for what though? I keep thinking the worst and I hate that I think that. I try so hard to banish those thoughts and they still linger in the back of my mind. Nights are a joke lately since half the time I'm either up or holding my belly to make sure he's still moving in there. I honestly don't remember being that afraid with Alexandra. I remember hoping she would make it through the night and feeling my belly to make sure she moved, but I don't remember this panic I have of course. It's so hard. About three more weeks to go... please let us have our happy ending so our hearts can be "almost" happy and full again. That's all I ask for and all I want.

p.s. At the dentist today, there was a newborn in the waiting room. He was the tiniest thing I have ever seen. He was born 5 and 1/2 weeks early due to pre-eclampsia and weighed 3 lbs. 14 oz. (this I all hear just from her talking to the secretaries there) Now he weighs about 8 lbs. She got her baby... he's alive. He was born early. Joshua probably weighs about 5 lbs. now. I know he needs to stay a little longer in me, but sometimes I can't help but think, 'get him out!' He can spend some time in the NICU for a little bit... I know I shouldn't wish for my baby to be born early and have to have a NICU stay, but those thoughts entered my mind. I just want him so much. :(   I want him alive and I want him in my arms... just like that lady in the waiting room. Oh, and let me just add the lady was upset he was born early because she was forced to miss some of her finals in college... are you really serious lady? THAT is what you're upset about? Talk to me.. I'll give you something to feel upset about. People amaze me.