The whole breastfeeding thing...

With both my pregnancies, I told myself that I would breastfeed. Thanks to society, you constantly hear, "breast is best!" over and over again until it's pounded into your head and eventually you just come to accept the fact that yes...breast really IS best. And I'm not going to get into a big debate on why or why not, to each her own, but what I have come to realize is, like so many things (such as things like telling people, hey, sometimes babies can die!) nobody ever tells you that breastfeeding can be hard and one of the more difficult things new Moms can encounter.

I never had a chance to breastfeed Alexandra, so I really wanted to at least try with Joshua. I did try and I continue to nurse him when I can or feel like it. In the hospital, I had a wonderful lactation consultant teach me the proper way to hold him and have him latch. It all seemed good once I finally got the hang of it. But once I left the hospital, I don't know if it was the pain meds or what, but a few days afterward, the initial latch started to hurt like hell. Nobody ever warns you about that! I remember the first 10-30 seconds was just awful and I was starting to almost regret feeding him and that in itself made me feel plain awful. I was starting to wonder if that was normal or if I was doing something wrong. After countless hours of research, reading and asking around, I have found out that it was normal and I wasn't going crazy like I had thought. I was very close to giving up all together and was thinking of just pumping or switching to formula. The first day we tried formula, I was in tears every time I gave him a bottle. I felt like I was depriving him of whatever it was and I felt guilty. Why? Oh yeah, society...my doctor... random women online I don't know...all say that "breast is best" and that I'm a bad mother for wanting to do anything other than breastfeed for the first six months! But who were they to tell me what to do? It hurt damnit and after recovering from a c-section in addition to crazy latch on pain was not appealing to me! And I figured, if I'm not happy, how would that affect Joshua?

So pumping and formula worked and continues to work well for Joshua and me. I am also pleased to say that after the initial two weeks of breastfeeding, I tried again on a whim (and laziness - what? I have to run the dishwasher again to wash bottles?) and when I tried then, it didn't hurt anymore. Just like that! So I have come to the conclusion that the first two weeks, it just takes some getting used to and after that it's not too bad. The majority of the time I'm using formula and pumping because it works, but every so often I breastfeed. Eventually, I'm going to stop all together, but lately I have had a hard time doing that because like I learned from Friends, 'you always have to have a backup!'. The breastfeeding seems like a good backup to have right now. I'm constantly thinking to myself that I have the breastmilk, why not breastfeed or at least pump when you have it? And then of course I'm constantly thinking that this is the best thing for Joshua and I'm also hearing my doctor preaching to me about antibodies and packed pediatrician offices with sick kids because they were only bottle fed...  in the end, it's the damn guilt and everything that makes me keep pumping and breastfeeding. I don't like that 'guilt', but I know that every day breastfed or given breastmilk is better than none. I just have to keep telling myself that until I believe it myself. :-) 

1 month old!!!

My Joshua is going to be one-month old tomorrow and I can hardly believe it. Time seemed to drag when I was pregnant with him and now it seems to be slipping by too fast. These past four weeks have been simply amazing. I'm in love with my little man. :-)  He's such a good baby. He only cries when he needs to be changed or if he's hungry and that's it (so far)! The rest of the time he just sleeps and for about ten minutes or so, he'll be awake and look around. I like to think he's looking at Alexandra somewhere.

I have to be honest though and say, the fear I had when I was pregnant with him is still here, but not the same. I'm still terrified something is going to happen to him, but I feel like I have a better sense of control over it, if that makes any sense. I'm not worried that my body is going to kill him overnight like I was. His head right now scares me the most. I keep thinking of Fools Rush In, when the one relative tells Matthew Perry's character to hold the baby's head when she hands him her baby and he says, "Why, is it going to fall off?" LOL! But I have a feeling he's not quite as fragile as I think he is. He's a tough little guy. I am constantly checking to see if he's still breathing or poking him to make him move. I know if Alexandra was here, I would have done that with her too, but I doubt it would be on my mind all the time. I think after a loss, it's just natural to imagine everything that can/could go wrong. I know most parents do anyway, but I think after a loss, those thoughts stay with you even more. Nevertheless, despite all the fear, I am loving every day with Joshua. I love the diaper changing. I love the feedings. I love the crying. I love it all!

Here are a few pictures of the little guy. I realize I haven't been blogging as often as I would like, so if there are any questions about Joshua or whatever, please ask. I realized after I had Joshua, there were so many questions and things I had no clue about and I wish I would have asked beforehand!! So, I'd be happy to answer any questions if there are any. 

When I was pregnant, I refused to read anything about what happens AFTER the baby is born because I thought it might "jinx" things...and now I'm thinking, hmm..maybe I should have read some of that stuff after all. :-)  So I'm still learning too... A LOT.