18 weeks...and the winners are...

Well, if you guessed BOY, you were right!! And based on my poll, that was a very select number of you!! Also, today marks a momentous occasion... I finally have the guts to put up a pregnancy ticker!

I have a confession to make. I'm already in love, even though that scares the bejeezes (sp?!) out of me! The appointment went well. Everything measured right on schedule. Baby boy currently weighs 9 oz., which they said was right on schedule. The only thing of a little concern is a cyst was found in his head, but based on all my bloodwork from my integrated screen and everything else, the Doctor didn't seem all that concerned. He actually found it reassuring and said most of the time, cysts just disappear on their own. If my bloodwork did come out abnormal, then he would have been concerned and would have recommended an amnio! Ah!! No thank you! So, I'm very glad that my blood results came out okay and chances are it will disappear on its own. I HOPE. I go back in four long weeks to be checked again and see how things are progressing. Heartbeat today was 154 bpm too! Until then... here are some pictures of the little guy and who wants to chip in to help purchase an ultrasound machine?! I will let anyone use it for free after me! :-D

I think this is my favorite picture.

Boy or girl?

Okay, as anxious as I am about this upcoming appointment and let's face it, this entire pregnancy...I decided I'm going to act like a normal pregnant woman for this one time only and allow you readers to guess whether or not Alexandra will be a big sister to a baby brother or baby sister! If you want to, leave your guess in the poll (that is hopefully here)!

Tomorrow is the big ultrasound. I remember Alexandra's. I had no idea what to expect. I was a naturally a little worried, but nothing compared to what I'm feeling tonight. This journey seems so hard and February seems SO far away. Every day I'm taking a big breath and hoping for the best. Every day I feel so anxious that something will go wrong any given minute. Every day I wonder if I'll ever be able to take this little baby home too and every day I grow more and more attached to him or her and the thought of losing this one too terrifies me.

So, with all that nonsense out of the way, say a prayer, hope for the best, think of us! Maybe after this one I can relax??? Nope...I don't think I'll be truly relaxed until that baby is screaming in my arms! *sigh*

Thoughts on Becoming a Mother

I hesitated to post this on Facebook today because to the "normal" person, it could be taken as being selfish and they might think you're saying you're going to be a "better" Mom than them. I know it's ridiculous for a babyloss Mom to think that...but I think of those things. So I posted it here instead. One of these days when I'm annoyed or bitter, I'll probably post it! lol But I thought it was too good not to share... so here it is.


Thoughts on Becoming a Mother


There are women that become mothers without effort,
without thought, without patience or loss and though
they are good mothers and love their children, I know
that I will be better.
I will be not be better because of genetics, or money or that
I have read more books but because I have struggled and
toiled for this child. I have longed and waited. I
have cried and prayed. I have endured and planned over
and over again.
Like most things in life, the people who truly have
appreciation are those who have struggled to attain
their dreams. I will notice EVERYTHING about my child.
I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and
discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the
rest of my life.
I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night
to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort,
hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take
another temperature, pop another pill, take another
shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be
crying for me.
I count myself blessed in this sense; that God has
given me this insight, this special vision with which
I will look upon my child that my friends will not see.
Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a
child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love.
I will be a better mother for all that I have endured.
I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter,
neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain.
I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my
own body. I have been tried by fire and hell many
never face, yet given time, I stood tall.
I have prevailed. I have succeeded. I have won.
So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from
their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see
it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.
I listen.
And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it
less lonely. I have learned the immense power of
another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that
moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and
when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion
that only comes with walking in those shoes.
I have learned to appreciate life.
Yes I will be a wonderful mother.-author unknown