Still tired

I'm still tired of signing into stupid Facebook and seeing my friends who have never suffered any kind of loss happily write statuses, such as how much nesting their doing now or how anxious they are to meet their damn babies. It makes me want to scream. I was 35 weeks pregnant with Alexandra. I never actually got to the nesting mode, but I was close enough and in a matter of hours, she was gone. After a while, seeing all those happy, hopeful updates just pushes me over the edge and I'm just sick of it. I'm pregnant again, yes. It's exciting, yes. But... I'm scared to death every day that this baby will be lost too. And I really wish I didn't have to be so afraid. I wish I could be normal like them. I wish I had no idea it could happen to me.

By this time with Alexandra, I was already registered at two stores. I probably even had a few things for her. I was thinking of what color to paint her nursery. I was thinking of names. I was planning my baby shower. This time? I'm just counting down to the next day, appointment, or month and hoping with everything I have that this baby will survive. I still haven't told everyone at work that I'm pregnant. They'll be in for a surprise in a couple of weeks, I guess! :) I find myself hiding my belly when I leave from work and going out to my car because a few months ago, I told the evening attendants that "everyone was fine". They assume I leave work and go home to my new baby every night. Nope, not so much. And I really don't want to have the awkward conversation of, 'oh, you're pregnant again?! so soon!' Yup...that's what happens when the first one dies. This is my life and in some strange way, I've gotten used to it. The pain is still there and every day is terrifying, but I'm surviving and doing my best. I think that's all I can do.

14 weeks

I had another doctor's appointment today and I'm pleased to say all is well. The baby's heartbeat was a strong 150 bpm. Other than the constant worry, things are pretty uneventful, so that is good. I cannot help but think how familiar this all is though. I'm pregnant again in August just like last year. I have at least three other friends (non-babyloss) who are also pregnant and expecting babies at all different times, just like last year. I can't help but wonder if I'm going to be the one left behind again? Is everyone else going to have their babies just fine? Will I end up being the one who had something tragic happen to them again? Will I have to endure seeing babies that should be the age mine should be posted all over stupid Facebook again? I hate that I have these thoughts, but I can't help it becuase, well it happened last year. Thinking positive is so very hard, especially when it's still a little too early to feel any movements yet. Maybe once that happens, I'll "calm" down a little bit. But for now, I'm just going to be thankful that everything was good today and hope with all my heart that it continues to be good from here on out! That's all I can do! :)

11 weeks

I had an ultrasound done today and all is well!!! I was nervous about this one too. I have to be honest and say I finally broke down last Sunday and whipped out the old baby doppler. Curiosity was getting the best of me, so I sat down and tried to listen. I heard a whoosh, whoosh sound, but I wasn't sure if that was my heart or the baby's. And after that, I couldn't really hear the familiar heartbeat that I heard from Alexandra every day, so I gave up and most likely will not be doing that again (and I say that laughing because I just have to!). I will say that for not hearing a guaranteed heartbeat that day... I handled it all pretty well. I knew I was still pretty early and I remember not being able to hear Alexandra's right away with it, so I just told myself I'm no doctor and threw it back down on the floor where it was (yes, not even gently placed back to whereever it should be). After that, I was a little nervous and the worst was in the back of my mind, even though it already is every, single day. I wish I could stop thinking like that!

However, today was great. The baby's heartbeat was 165 bpm and was moving around all over the place. That makes for a very relieved Mommy & Daddy! :)  Keep it up lil' jumping bean!!!

p.s. I also have to add this little annoyance that has just been eating at me. I've put several updates on Facebook about the pregnancy. Every time I do it, I kind of cringe because I am fearful of the ones I could be "hurting". I remember it all too well and it still gets me sometimes, but I have a lot of family on there and sometimes it's the only way they will get an update (because I sure am not telling them!). Ha ha. Anyway, after some updates here and there, I've noticed some people who never even said a word about Alexandra are all about the "Congrats Maggie!!!" Oh! Where were you the last eight months?! Now that I'm pregnant, it's safe to comment on all my status updates? They all come out now....  (ok, vent over). :-)