Fear

This sucks and that's the only way I can explain it. With every passing week, I feel relieved and terrified at the same time. I'm 32 weeks now and 35 is quickly approaching, which is when I lost Alexandra. I know this is a different pregnancy, blah, blah, blah... but I cannot help but wonder, do I only have 3 more weeks left to go with this baby? I am hating this. Rather than being excited about his upcoming arrival, I'm just plain afraid I'm going to lose him too. I hate that I'm terrified of going to sleep each night because I'm afraid that when I wake up in the morning, he'll be gone. I hate that we have no real explanation as to why we lost Alexandra, so this entire pregnancy is kind of like a guessing game as to what will happen. I hate that I'm still terrified to buy any actual baby clothes. We received a couple of things for him at Christmas, which I was really happy about. I'm thinking if I reach 35, I will celebrate and buy a bunch of things then and do all of the things I didn't get to do with Alexandra. Maybe I just need to get over that milestone. I remember with Alexandra, the day I turned 35 weeks, I actually felt relieved. Her entire pregnancy, I acted as if I had already had a loss! I wish I could see into the future. All I want is to know this baby will be coming home with us. : (  This is so hard. I feel like every Mom who has gone through a pregnancy after a loss deserves a freakin medal! And it also annoys me that no matter how many times I tell people I'm afraid or worried, I hear, "Oh, everything WILL be just fine!!!!!" Oh really? Prove it!

Peace of mind...maybe?

After Alexandra died, I remember I would sit here for hours and hours just googling stillbirth causes and anything having to do with grief and support. While I was doing that, I stumbled across this site, The Pregnancy Institute. I remember reading about what this doctor did for pregnant women who had already had a loss and I thought the work was amazing. I also felt so sad because I wondered if I had this for Alexandra, would we have been able to save her? But how were we to know? Months passed and I never really acted on it. For one thing, I didn't know if I would get pregnant again and when I did, my thoughts were, this doctor is in another state, how would that even work? Well, one day I was on Facebook of all things and one of my friends shared a video of how it all works. It was a newsclip of someone who had done this. I immediately took an interest in it and went to the site again and thought, what the hell, I'll e-mail him and see if I hear anything from him. If not, that's okay. Well, I e-mailed Dr. Collins and he e-mailed me right away and said to call him as soon as I could! I was floored. Months of fighting with ob/gyn offices just to talk to someone about another pregnancy, then fighting some more to talk to someone if I was afraid of something and for this doctor to follow up with me right away?! Well, I took it as a good sign.

For those of you who are not familiar with Dr. Collins, he specializes in cord related accidents and stillbirth. He had previously practiced for a number of years and had delivered babies in the past that had cord related accidents. He is now part of The Pregnancy Institute that offers home fetal monitoring for pregnant women who have had a previous stillbirth. To read more about him, go here and check out the videos he has.

As far as we know, Alexandra's death was not related to a cord accident. However, after contacting him he said he was interested in seeing us anyway. I admit to being afraid of this whole thing. Was it safe? Was it the right thing to do? Was traveling okay for me? Would it be worth it in the end? What it came down to was, my husband and I are willing to do anything at all possible to bring this little boy home with us and we would rather do something instead of nothing and regret it later when it was too late. So we flew down to Baton Rouge, LA and met with Dr. Collins. I can honestly say this is the most comfortable I have been up to this point. Just to talk to someone who understands how afraid we are and actually wants to discuss the issue of stillbirth was refreshing. My doctors have been great, thus far, but I can't help but feel that if something were to happen, all they would say was, there's nothing we could have done...like last time. Dr. Collins thinks differently. There is nothing we could have done isn't in his vocabulary and he wants to change that by using this home fetal monitoring system. It's basically a monitor that shows the heartrate and your contractions and you are hooked up to it every night for half an hour. After that, the results are e-mailed directly to him via
e-mail and he interprets them after that. If it shows any significant dips, that's when you are instructed to go to the hospital and not to leave until they do an ultrasound or get that baby out! I feel that many other doctors and associations all feel that his work is unnecessary and that he is not a professional. I can tell this already just by mentioning him to my own doctors. They have no idea who he is and really seem to not care. And that frustrates him to no end. It's just like the issue of stillbirth. Nobody, not even professionals want to ever talk about babies dying and when they do, it's just one of a few hundred instances that are unfortunate in the field and the issue is not discussed. Dr. Collins spoke to us about how often he has gone to conferences and spoken with ob/gyns about cord accidents/stillbirth and not one has this subject in any of their conferences. Why? You would think with how often stillbirth happens (and in this community, we all know it happens more often than people would think), someone would be interested in addressing the issue or at least looking into why these things happen. Hopefully, in the future maybe it will change.

I'm still waiting on one thing before I actually am able to e-mail him my nightly results, but I have been using the monitor since I have returned and it does add some peace of mind for me. I just hope it's all worth it in the end. Please let it be. :-)

28 weeks

28 weeks now and.... still not feeling all that safe. I know Alexandra's pregnancy is completely different than this one. It's a different baby too. Just because I lost Alexandra at 35 weeks does not mean something will happen with this one (fingers crossed). It's just so hard to feel completely confident in everything when I know the worst can happen because it happened once before. I hate it! But.... we had an ultrasound today and everything was well and on track. Baby is 2 lbs. 12 oz. :-) and here he is! I love him! I go back in five weeks and at 32 weeks, I start weekly NSTs. All I want is to bring this little guy home, so very much.

I haven't been able to buy anything yet because I've been too afraid. The logical side of me says, don't be silly. The act of buying something for this baby will not 'jinx' you. But my heart says, 'don't even think of it just yet'. I've been able to look at a lot of things I want though, so I guess that's a step in the right direction. The whole thing just sucks to say the least. This time with Alexandra, we had already signed her up for daycare and she was practically in the door. With this baby, we've been too afraid to sign her up for daycare and because of that, we probably won't get in until the fall. But I would rather have the dilemma of not knowing how to take care of the baby until then rather than something else right now. Hopefully in the next few weeks, I'll start to feel a little more confident and can start spoiling this new baby! And now that I'm officially on maternity leave, maybe I can start. :-)  I decided to take an extra long leave this time around. No stress, no worrying about getting into a potential car accident on the way to or from work in the crazy traffic and weather... just lots of time to take it easy and focus on this little man.

22 Weeks

Am I the only one that is not quite comforted by everything "looking good"? Because, that's all I ever heard with Alexandra until things WEREN'T looking good... But, to try and sound a bit more positive, today, everything looked good. I am right on track and baby is actually measuring a little ahead, in the 55% percentile and weighs 1 lb. 4 oz. So today I feel great about things. Next week (or maybe even tomorrow) I'll be worrying again. If they did ultrasounds every single day, I seriously think I would be okay with that. :-)  I go back for another ultrasound in about five weeks and start NSTs shortly after that. Here is a picture of our little guy... and I'm not sure why it showed up sideways. :/

The other night, I went to buy a "Baby's 1st Halloween" onesie for my new niece along with some other things. I should have also been buying Alexandra one and it felt so sad. Then, I had every intention of starting to buy some blue things for this baby, but I got too scared. The logical side of me says that buying things for this baby will not "jinx" him in any way, but the pyschological side of me says, "don't even think about doing that stuff yet! are you kidding me??" Maybe someday soon...or maybe he'll just run around naked for the first few days after he's born, what's the harm in that? Or maybe he'll wear pink for the first week or so... I don't know. I just hope he comes home.

20 weeks

Tomorrow I will officially be 21 weeks pregnant. Normally, I would have a sigh of relief because I have gotten this far, but let's face it..I still have a hell of a long ways to go. I'm not even at my "scary" week yet (35 weeks). I don't think I'm going to feel relieved until this baby boy is in my arms screaming. I hate this feeling of worry and doom. I try to be positive every day though too, it's just super hard.

Today I called my doctor to ask her if what I've been feeling lately is normal. I barely ever did this with Alexandra. I always thought, it's normal... I'm fine. And would usually take whatever I read in my books or online as being okay. Not this time! My belly has been feeling tight and full, usually in the evenings when I'm home from work. It doesn't hurt and it's just uncomfortable to say the least. I don't feel like walking anywhere and I just want to sit my ass down on the couch and watch TV. So I called today about it and my doctor said to come on in for some reassurance. Sure enough, baby's heartbeat was a perfect 150 bpm and she said it was everything just stretching. Has anyone felt like this? I'm just curious. The only thing that worried me was it wasn't going away after a few minutes and lasting for hours. But I guess it's all normal. :-)

I'm glad everything is okay and I'm really glad my doctor agreed to see me. I wasn't expecting an actual visit. I thought she would just call back and tell me what it was, so that was actually nice (considering I just saw her Tuesday too)! I go for another ultrasound in two weeks. I'm looking forward to it, but also worrying...of course.

18 weeks...and the winners are...

Well, if you guessed BOY, you were right!! And based on my poll, that was a very select number of you!! Also, today marks a momentous occasion... I finally have the guts to put up a pregnancy ticker!

I have a confession to make. I'm already in love, even though that scares the bejeezes (sp?!) out of me! The appointment went well. Everything measured right on schedule. Baby boy currently weighs 9 oz., which they said was right on schedule. The only thing of a little concern is a cyst was found in his head, but based on all my bloodwork from my integrated screen and everything else, the Doctor didn't seem all that concerned. He actually found it reassuring and said most of the time, cysts just disappear on their own. If my bloodwork did come out abnormal, then he would have been concerned and would have recommended an amnio! Ah!! No thank you! So, I'm very glad that my blood results came out okay and chances are it will disappear on its own. I HOPE. I go back in four long weeks to be checked again and see how things are progressing. Heartbeat today was 154 bpm too! Until then... here are some pictures of the little guy and who wants to chip in to help purchase an ultrasound machine?! I will let anyone use it for free after me! :-D

I think this is my favorite picture.

Boy or girl?

Okay, as anxious as I am about this upcoming appointment and let's face it, this entire pregnancy...I decided I'm going to act like a normal pregnant woman for this one time only and allow you readers to guess whether or not Alexandra will be a big sister to a baby brother or baby sister! If you want to, leave your guess in the poll (that is hopefully here)!

Tomorrow is the big ultrasound. I remember Alexandra's. I had no idea what to expect. I was a naturally a little worried, but nothing compared to what I'm feeling tonight. This journey seems so hard and February seems SO far away. Every day I'm taking a big breath and hoping for the best. Every day I feel so anxious that something will go wrong any given minute. Every day I wonder if I'll ever be able to take this little baby home too and every day I grow more and more attached to him or her and the thought of losing this one too terrifies me.

So, with all that nonsense out of the way, say a prayer, hope for the best, think of us! Maybe after this one I can relax??? Nope...I don't think I'll be truly relaxed until that baby is screaming in my arms! *sigh*

Thoughts on Becoming a Mother

I hesitated to post this on Facebook today because to the "normal" person, it could be taken as being selfish and they might think you're saying you're going to be a "better" Mom than them. I know it's ridiculous for a babyloss Mom to think that...but I think of those things. So I posted it here instead. One of these days when I'm annoyed or bitter, I'll probably post it! lol But I thought it was too good not to share... so here it is.


Thoughts on Becoming a Mother


There are women that become mothers without effort,
without thought, without patience or loss and though
they are good mothers and love their children, I know
that I will be better.
I will be not be better because of genetics, or money or that
I have read more books but because I have struggled and
toiled for this child. I have longed and waited. I
have cried and prayed. I have endured and planned over
and over again.
Like most things in life, the people who truly have
appreciation are those who have struggled to attain
their dreams. I will notice EVERYTHING about my child.
I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and
discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the
rest of my life.
I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night
to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort,
hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take
another temperature, pop another pill, take another
shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be
crying for me.
I count myself blessed in this sense; that God has
given me this insight, this special vision with which
I will look upon my child that my friends will not see.
Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a
child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love.
I will be a better mother for all that I have endured.
I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter,
neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain.
I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my
own body. I have been tried by fire and hell many
never face, yet given time, I stood tall.
I have prevailed. I have succeeded. I have won.
So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from
their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see
it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.
I listen.
And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it
less lonely. I have learned the immense power of
another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that
moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and
when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion
that only comes with walking in those shoes.
I have learned to appreciate life.
Yes I will be a wonderful mother.-author unknown

Still tired

I'm still tired of signing into stupid Facebook and seeing my friends who have never suffered any kind of loss happily write statuses, such as how much nesting their doing now or how anxious they are to meet their damn babies. It makes me want to scream. I was 35 weeks pregnant with Alexandra. I never actually got to the nesting mode, but I was close enough and in a matter of hours, she was gone. After a while, seeing all those happy, hopeful updates just pushes me over the edge and I'm just sick of it. I'm pregnant again, yes. It's exciting, yes. But... I'm scared to death every day that this baby will be lost too. And I really wish I didn't have to be so afraid. I wish I could be normal like them. I wish I had no idea it could happen to me.

By this time with Alexandra, I was already registered at two stores. I probably even had a few things for her. I was thinking of what color to paint her nursery. I was thinking of names. I was planning my baby shower. This time? I'm just counting down to the next day, appointment, or month and hoping with everything I have that this baby will survive. I still haven't told everyone at work that I'm pregnant. They'll be in for a surprise in a couple of weeks, I guess! :) I find myself hiding my belly when I leave from work and going out to my car because a few months ago, I told the evening attendants that "everyone was fine". They assume I leave work and go home to my new baby every night. Nope, not so much. And I really don't want to have the awkward conversation of, 'oh, you're pregnant again?! so soon!' Yup...that's what happens when the first one dies. This is my life and in some strange way, I've gotten used to it. The pain is still there and every day is terrifying, but I'm surviving and doing my best. I think that's all I can do.

14 weeks

I had another doctor's appointment today and I'm pleased to say all is well. The baby's heartbeat was a strong 150 bpm. Other than the constant worry, things are pretty uneventful, so that is good. I cannot help but think how familiar this all is though. I'm pregnant again in August just like last year. I have at least three other friends (non-babyloss) who are also pregnant and expecting babies at all different times, just like last year. I can't help but wonder if I'm going to be the one left behind again? Is everyone else going to have their babies just fine? Will I end up being the one who had something tragic happen to them again? Will I have to endure seeing babies that should be the age mine should be posted all over stupid Facebook again? I hate that I have these thoughts, but I can't help it becuase, well it happened last year. Thinking positive is so very hard, especially when it's still a little too early to feel any movements yet. Maybe once that happens, I'll "calm" down a little bit. But for now, I'm just going to be thankful that everything was good today and hope with all my heart that it continues to be good from here on out! That's all I can do! :)

11 weeks

I had an ultrasound done today and all is well!!! I was nervous about this one too. I have to be honest and say I finally broke down last Sunday and whipped out the old baby doppler. Curiosity was getting the best of me, so I sat down and tried to listen. I heard a whoosh, whoosh sound, but I wasn't sure if that was my heart or the baby's. And after that, I couldn't really hear the familiar heartbeat that I heard from Alexandra every day, so I gave up and most likely will not be doing that again (and I say that laughing because I just have to!). I will say that for not hearing a guaranteed heartbeat that day... I handled it all pretty well. I knew I was still pretty early and I remember not being able to hear Alexandra's right away with it, so I just told myself I'm no doctor and threw it back down on the floor where it was (yes, not even gently placed back to whereever it should be). After that, I was a little nervous and the worst was in the back of my mind, even though it already is every, single day. I wish I could stop thinking like that!

However, today was great. The baby's heartbeat was 165 bpm and was moving around all over the place. That makes for a very relieved Mommy & Daddy! :)  Keep it up lil' jumping bean!!!

p.s. I also have to add this little annoyance that has just been eating at me. I've put several updates on Facebook about the pregnancy. Every time I do it, I kind of cringe because I am fearful of the ones I could be "hurting". I remember it all too well and it still gets me sometimes, but I have a lot of family on there and sometimes it's the only way they will get an update (because I sure am not telling them!). Ha ha. Anyway, after some updates here and there, I've noticed some people who never even said a word about Alexandra are all about the "Congrats Maggie!!!" Oh! Where were you the last eight months?! Now that I'm pregnant, it's safe to comment on all my status updates? They all come out now....  (ok, vent over). :-)

Good feelings...

Anyone a fan of "My Chemical Romance"? If you are, think of their song, "Teenagers" and put in "good feelings" in place of that. It would go something like, "Good feelings scare...the living shit out of me!" That's what I'm feeling at the moment. Every time I feel "too good" (at least physically) I get scared. I worry that something is wrong. Why don't I have any cramping? Why don't I feel like shit? Why don't I feel AS tired? Why do I have the energy to come on here and bitch about it? Why? Why? Why? Why can't I just enjoy the moment of feeling "good" and enjoy the fact that yes, I'm pregnant. This is what I wanted since Alexandra died. Enjoy it all. But in the end, I just get scared and worried. I even have my doppler within reach of me at this very moment. I also might add that I'm fairly certain that I own the damn thing now! For those of you that read my other blog, you might remember a post about how I couldn't bear to send it back just yet, so every month on the 18th, $25.00 would be charged to my card for its rental. Well, eight months later and I still haven't sent the stupid thing back, but I haven't been charged for it in a really long time, so I'm thinking I either invested enough money in the thing to actually own it OR the company is secretly still charging me and I'll be confronted with some crazy bill demanding me to pay them all at once OR the company has me on their black list and will be hunting me down for baby doppler theft any day now. Right now, I'm going to assume I own it. I should be overjoyed that I have a doppler of my very own. I remember when I got it, I tore the box open and immediately tried looking for that heartbeat. I was right around 10-11 weeks along with Alexandra then too. But tonight, the doppler is laying somewhere on my living floor and has been untouched since November 2009. It was the first thing that told me something was definitely wrong with Alexandra. And because of that, I'm scared to death to try and find this baby's heartbeat. What if I can't find it? What if it all happens again? What if.... I'm trying so hard to stay positive about this all, but it's so very hard. I want my innocence back, but if I'm asking for that, I might as well ask for Alexandra back. Ugh... 10 weeks. 30 long weeks to go...

10 weeks

I had an appointment today. With Alexandra, I remember I would always look forward to these upcoming appointments. I just couldn't wait to go in there, hear that heartbeat and be on my way. Now it's all different. Now, I'm just HOPING I get to hear a heartbeat and hoping that everything is okay and I'm prepared to stay in there for as long as I need to. *sigh* How very different indeed. But, the good news today is that we are 10 weeks along and we heard that heartbeat right away. 150 bpm to be exact. :-)  So that's a good thing and I'll relax...until tomorrow (ha ha). Other than that, things have been pretty uneventful and I'm hoping for it to stay that way.

Feels like the first time

This is my second pregnancy, but it feels like my first. It almost seems silly considering I was pregnant only around eight months ago! I feel like I should know everything. I should know what is safe to eat. I should know the aches and pains. But I don't. I second guess everything I eat. I don't know how many times I've googled, "is it safe to eat...". It drives me crazy too because I shouldn't have to second guess everything. I should have had my baby and I should not have to be pregnant two summers in a row. But I am because my baby died.

It feels like I have been away from this space for a while. It's mostly because I am convinced this new baby wants me to do nothing, but eat, sleep and sit on my ass watching TV. :-)  Last Friday I called off work because I was having terrible pains in my stomach. It takes a lot for me to call off work too! But this time, I'm not going to mess around. If I feel bad, I'm staying home. I went in to see my doctor that day and she said they were normal pains. After eight hours of them not going away, we finally decided to just to to the  ER to make sure it wasn't appendicitis or anything like that. We had an ultrasound and everything was fine. I think my favorite part was when the ER doctor told me very bluntly, "You'll either have a healthy baby or you won't...and seeing that you already had a miscarriage, I'm sure you are aware of that". Uhh...thank you doctor...ASS. As if I didn't know that already and hey! I had a STILLBIRTH, not a miscarriage, thank you very much!!! But all is well and overall, I feel okay. Today is my first attempt at getting caught up here reading blogs. If I don't comment, know that I'm still here and I am reading. :-)

So different

This time around is so very different. I remember the first day after my first appointment with Alexandra. We called practically everyone we knew. My husband called most of the people in his family. I remember his sister cried because she was so happy. Now...I'm not sure if that was true or not. My how things change. This time around we told our parents first and a few select people. A lot of the family still do not know. I can only imagine the barrage of comments and thoughts running through people's heads. "Oh, so soon?", "Oh...well, surely she's over it now! Now she can really move on and focus on this baby and just forget about that other one!", "Why again? She's just going to lose another one." Ouch. All those seem pretty hurtful and hopefully, I will not have to hear any of them, but I know I can count on a few assholes to say it. Come on, I dare you. I'm ready to take it and this time, I'll blame crazy hormones for my wicked comeback. For now though, I'm going to enjoy the fact that only a handful of people do know. Those few are the ones that I love and the ones who seem to just "get it".

I also haven't joined any baby sites like I did with Alexandra. There will be no weekly updates of how this little jumping bean is growing. I know for the most part what is going on in there and I don't need those daily reminders, in case god forbid... I have to remove myself from all those mailing lists again. I haven't opened any pregnancy books or even taken a peek at what day February 19th is. I don't think I need to know for quite some time. Now, I just want to get to the next day...the next week. That is good enough for me.

Let's do this!

So, here I am. After a lot of lazy days and going back and forth on whether or not to create another blog, here I am. I'm not anticipating on writing in here as often as I do for Alexandra's, but I guess we'll see how it goes. One reason it took so long to create this one was because of the name. I'm a perfectionist at heart and I wanted a perfect title. This title might not be perfect, but it's okay for now. I wanted to include a part of Alexandra in it since this little rainbow is her little brother/sister, so that explains it all if anyone was wondering. Also, if anyone is not familiar with the term "rainbow baby", here is a good definition, borrowed from BBC & Susan.

It is understood that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of any storm. When a rainbow appears, it does not mean that the storm never happened or that we are not still dealing with its aftermath. It means that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover, but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy and hope.

Alexandra is always going to be my firstborn and will always remain in my heart and my life. This little "jumping bean" will never replace her, but hopefully, he or she will fill my aching arms and my heart with some joy and light that I have longed for these past seven months and somehow, make our lives and our home feel a little less lonely and incomplete.

As far as I am feeling these days, I'm feeling fine. Or as fine as any woman who has experienced a pregnancy after a loss. My ultrasound eased my mind for a few days, but now I'm back to wondering if everything is okay again. Every time I don't feel tired, I start to worry. Every little ache I think I feel, I worry. Every time I go to the bathroom, I worry. I know I have a long way to go and I know I need to stop worrying, but it's hard not to when the worst thing that can happen has already happened. But...here's to some positive thinking and hoping for the best. So far...so good. One day at a time.