Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Good feelings...
Anyone a fan of "My Chemical Romance"? If you are, think of their song, "Teenagers" and put in "good feelings" in place of that. It would go something like, "Good feelings scare...the living shit out of me!" That's what I'm feeling at the moment. Every time I feel "too good" (at least physically) I get scared. I worry that something is wrong. Why don't I have any cramping? Why don't I feel like shit? Why don't I feel AS tired? Why do I have the energy to come on here and bitch about it? Why? Why? Why? Why can't I just enjoy the moment of feeling "good" and enjoy the fact that yes, I'm pregnant. This is what I wanted since Alexandra died. Enjoy it all. But in the end, I just get scared and worried. I even have my doppler within reach of me at this very moment. I also might add that I'm fairly certain that I own the damn thing now! For those of you that read my other blog, you might remember a post about how I couldn't bear to send it back just yet, so every month on the 18th, $25.00 would be charged to my card for its rental. Well, eight months later and I still haven't sent the stupid thing back, but I haven't been charged for it in a really long time, so I'm thinking I either invested enough money in the thing to actually own it OR the company is secretly still charging me and I'll be confronted with some crazy bill demanding me to pay them all at once OR the company has me on their black list and will be hunting me down for baby doppler theft any day now. Right now, I'm going to assume I own it. I should be overjoyed that I have a doppler of my very own. I remember when I got it, I tore the box open and immediately tried looking for that heartbeat. I was right around 10-11 weeks along with Alexandra then too. But tonight, the doppler is laying somewhere on my living floor and has been untouched since November 2009. It was the first thing that told me something was definitely wrong with Alexandra. And because of that, I'm scared to death to try and find this baby's heartbeat. What if I can't find it? What if it all happens again? What if.... I'm trying so hard to stay positive about this all, but it's so very hard. I want my innocence back, but if I'm asking for that, I might as well ask for Alexandra back. Ugh... 10 weeks. 30 long weeks to go...
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You can do this.
ReplyDeleteSending you love and hope and peace.
For my 2 cents your thoughts about staying positive and wanting your innocence back are oh so normal - well, that's how I felt too. Hugs >:D<
ReplyDelete(((Hugs))) It does get slightly easier the further along in the pregnancy you get. For every time you chose to stay positive and cherish the moment the next time you have to chose is easier. Wanting your innocence is completely normal!
ReplyDeleteMy friend has offered me her doppler but I am so afraid to have it in my house! I too am afraid that I will try to find the h/b and not have success and then freak out. Or that I will end up strapping it to myself 24/7 just for the reassurance!! I don't know if it would help or hinder me as I have quite an obsessive personality!
ReplyDeleteI don't know when I will feel comforted? Maybe January when Cinco should be born kicking and screaming?!
xo
I wish you can wake up each day and feel like "YEP THIS BABY IS COMING HOME!!" n i wish I can say, "YEP WHAT HAPPENED WITH ALEXANDRA IS NEVERRRR GOING TO HAPPEN AGAIN" but our innocence in pregnancy has been taken...and you sit there looking at the doppler that told you what happened...(ps i love you still having this)...and now the fear it may say the same thing 2x, i hear you...i totally hear you..but remember the bond it brought with you to ALexandra each day...No matter the outcome Maggie THIS is your baby already...so hearing the HB or not...STILL your baby...but i think im with Jaime, i never owned a doppler, but if i did i would strap it to myself cause i do also have an obsessive personality...lol...what can i say...if i do it i do it big!! I think you should listen to "jumping bean's" HB, why not?? It can be really sweet and comforting for you....Praying that the anxiety level lessons...xoxo
ReplyDeleteI agree with Michelle in that it got easier for me the farther along I got. But I still worry even now too!
ReplyDeleteYou can do it Maggie! Stay strong and stay positive, its hard work growing rainbows, but i hear they are amazing! *hugs*
ReplyDeleteI can only imagine these would be the SAME exact emotions I would have if we were to get pregnant again. Our blinders are off and which unfortunately makes everything even more of a worry than before. Every pregnancy is different though, and sometimes there is no morning sickness or pains. I have heard lots of women say they never had morning sickness or any pains while pregnant. *hug* *hug* *hug* :)
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