Good feelings...

Anyone a fan of "My Chemical Romance"? If you are, think of their song, "Teenagers" and put in "good feelings" in place of that. It would go something like, "Good feelings scare...the living shit out of me!" That's what I'm feeling at the moment. Every time I feel "too good" (at least physically) I get scared. I worry that something is wrong. Why don't I have any cramping? Why don't I feel like shit? Why don't I feel AS tired? Why do I have the energy to come on here and bitch about it? Why? Why? Why? Why can't I just enjoy the moment of feeling "good" and enjoy the fact that yes, I'm pregnant. This is what I wanted since Alexandra died. Enjoy it all. But in the end, I just get scared and worried. I even have my doppler within reach of me at this very moment. I also might add that I'm fairly certain that I own the damn thing now! For those of you that read my other blog, you might remember a post about how I couldn't bear to send it back just yet, so every month on the 18th, $25.00 would be charged to my card for its rental. Well, eight months later and I still haven't sent the stupid thing back, but I haven't been charged for it in a really long time, so I'm thinking I either invested enough money in the thing to actually own it OR the company is secretly still charging me and I'll be confronted with some crazy bill demanding me to pay them all at once OR the company has me on their black list and will be hunting me down for baby doppler theft any day now. Right now, I'm going to assume I own it. I should be overjoyed that I have a doppler of my very own. I remember when I got it, I tore the box open and immediately tried looking for that heartbeat. I was right around 10-11 weeks along with Alexandra then too. But tonight, the doppler is laying somewhere on my living floor and has been untouched since November 2009. It was the first thing that told me something was definitely wrong with Alexandra. And because of that, I'm scared to death to try and find this baby's heartbeat. What if I can't find it? What if it all happens again? What if.... I'm trying so hard to stay positive about this all, but it's so very hard. I want my innocence back, but if I'm asking for that, I might as well ask for Alexandra back. Ugh... 10 weeks. 30 long weeks to go...

10 weeks

I had an appointment today. With Alexandra, I remember I would always look forward to these upcoming appointments. I just couldn't wait to go in there, hear that heartbeat and be on my way. Now it's all different. Now, I'm just HOPING I get to hear a heartbeat and hoping that everything is okay and I'm prepared to stay in there for as long as I need to. *sigh* How very different indeed. But, the good news today is that we are 10 weeks along and we heard that heartbeat right away. 150 bpm to be exact. :-)  So that's a good thing and I'll relax...until tomorrow (ha ha). Other than that, things have been pretty uneventful and I'm hoping for it to stay that way.

Feels like the first time

This is my second pregnancy, but it feels like my first. It almost seems silly considering I was pregnant only around eight months ago! I feel like I should know everything. I should know what is safe to eat. I should know the aches and pains. But I don't. I second guess everything I eat. I don't know how many times I've googled, "is it safe to eat...". It drives me crazy too because I shouldn't have to second guess everything. I should have had my baby and I should not have to be pregnant two summers in a row. But I am because my baby died.

It feels like I have been away from this space for a while. It's mostly because I am convinced this new baby wants me to do nothing, but eat, sleep and sit on my ass watching TV. :-)  Last Friday I called off work because I was having terrible pains in my stomach. It takes a lot for me to call off work too! But this time, I'm not going to mess around. If I feel bad, I'm staying home. I went in to see my doctor that day and she said they were normal pains. After eight hours of them not going away, we finally decided to just to to the  ER to make sure it wasn't appendicitis or anything like that. We had an ultrasound and everything was fine. I think my favorite part was when the ER doctor told me very bluntly, "You'll either have a healthy baby or you won't...and seeing that you already had a miscarriage, I'm sure you are aware of that". Uhh...thank you doctor...ASS. As if I didn't know that already and hey! I had a STILLBIRTH, not a miscarriage, thank you very much!!! But all is well and overall, I feel okay. Today is my first attempt at getting caught up here reading blogs. If I don't comment, know that I'm still here and I am reading. :-)

So different

This time around is so very different. I remember the first day after my first appointment with Alexandra. We called practically everyone we knew. My husband called most of the people in his family. I remember his sister cried because she was so happy. Now...I'm not sure if that was true or not. My how things change. This time around we told our parents first and a few select people. A lot of the family still do not know. I can only imagine the barrage of comments and thoughts running through people's heads. "Oh, so soon?", "Oh...well, surely she's over it now! Now she can really move on and focus on this baby and just forget about that other one!", "Why again? She's just going to lose another one." Ouch. All those seem pretty hurtful and hopefully, I will not have to hear any of them, but I know I can count on a few assholes to say it. Come on, I dare you. I'm ready to take it and this time, I'll blame crazy hormones for my wicked comeback. For now though, I'm going to enjoy the fact that only a handful of people do know. Those few are the ones that I love and the ones who seem to just "get it".

I also haven't joined any baby sites like I did with Alexandra. There will be no weekly updates of how this little jumping bean is growing. I know for the most part what is going on in there and I don't need those daily reminders, in case god forbid... I have to remove myself from all those mailing lists again. I haven't opened any pregnancy books or even taken a peek at what day February 19th is. I don't think I need to know for quite some time. Now, I just want to get to the next day...the next week. That is good enough for me.

Let's do this!

So, here I am. After a lot of lazy days and going back and forth on whether or not to create another blog, here I am. I'm not anticipating on writing in here as often as I do for Alexandra's, but I guess we'll see how it goes. One reason it took so long to create this one was because of the name. I'm a perfectionist at heart and I wanted a perfect title. This title might not be perfect, but it's okay for now. I wanted to include a part of Alexandra in it since this little rainbow is her little brother/sister, so that explains it all if anyone was wondering. Also, if anyone is not familiar with the term "rainbow baby", here is a good definition, borrowed from BBC & Susan.

It is understood that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of any storm. When a rainbow appears, it does not mean that the storm never happened or that we are not still dealing with its aftermath. It means that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover, but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy and hope.

Alexandra is always going to be my firstborn and will always remain in my heart and my life. This little "jumping bean" will never replace her, but hopefully, he or she will fill my aching arms and my heart with some joy and light that I have longed for these past seven months and somehow, make our lives and our home feel a little less lonely and incomplete.

As far as I am feeling these days, I'm feeling fine. Or as fine as any woman who has experienced a pregnancy after a loss. My ultrasound eased my mind for a few days, but now I'm back to wondering if everything is okay again. Every time I don't feel tired, I start to worry. Every little ache I think I feel, I worry. Every time I go to the bathroom, I worry. I know I have a long way to go and I know I need to stop worrying, but it's hard not to when the worst thing that can happen has already happened. But...here's to some positive thinking and hoping for the best. So far...so good. One day at a time.