With both my pregnancies, I told myself that I would breastfeed. Thanks to society, you constantly hear, "breast is best!" over and over again until it's pounded into your head and eventually you just come to accept the fact that yes...breast really IS best. And I'm not going to get into a big debate on why or why not, to each her own, but what I have come to realize is, like so many things (such as things like telling people, hey, sometimes babies can die!) nobody ever tells you that breastfeeding can be hard and one of the more difficult things new Moms can encounter.
I never had a chance to breastfeed Alexandra, so I really wanted to at least try with Joshua. I did try and I continue to nurse him when I can or feel like it. In the hospital, I had a wonderful lactation consultant teach me the proper way to hold him and have him latch. It all seemed good once I finally got the hang of it. But once I left the hospital, I don't know if it was the pain meds or what, but a few days afterward, the initial latch started to hurt like hell. Nobody ever warns you about that! I remember the first 10-30 seconds was just awful and I was starting to almost regret feeding him and that in itself made me feel plain awful. I was starting to wonder if that was normal or if I was doing something wrong. After countless hours of research, reading and asking around, I have found out that it was normal and I wasn't going crazy like I had thought. I was very close to giving up all together and was thinking of just pumping or switching to formula. The first day we tried formula, I was in tears every time I gave him a bottle. I felt like I was depriving him of whatever it was and I felt guilty. Why? Oh yeah, society...my doctor... random women online I don't know...all say that "breast is best" and that I'm a bad mother for wanting to do anything other than breastfeed for the first six months! But who were they to tell me what to do? It hurt damnit and after recovering from a c-section in addition to crazy latch on pain was not appealing to me! And I figured, if I'm not happy, how would that affect Joshua?
So pumping and formula worked and continues to work well for Joshua and me. I am also pleased to say that after the initial two weeks of breastfeeding, I tried again on a whim (and laziness - what? I have to run the dishwasher again to wash bottles?) and when I tried then, it didn't hurt anymore. Just like that! So I have come to the conclusion that the first two weeks, it just takes some getting used to and after that it's not too bad. The majority of the time I'm using formula and pumping because it works, but every so often I breastfeed. Eventually, I'm going to stop all together, but lately I have had a hard time doing that because like I learned from Friends, 'you always have to have a backup!'. The breastfeeding seems like a good backup to have right now. I'm constantly thinking to myself that I have the breastmilk, why not breastfeed or at least pump when you have it? And then of course I'm constantly thinking that this is the best thing for Joshua and I'm also hearing my doctor preaching to me about antibodies and packed pediatrician offices with sick kids because they were only bottle fed... in the end, it's the damn guilt and everything that makes me keep pumping and breastfeeding. I don't like that 'guilt', but I know that every day breastfed or given breastmilk is better than none. I just have to keep telling myself that until I believe it myself. :-)
I experienced massive amounts of guilt over not being able to breastfeed as long as I wanted to because you're bombarded by heck, everyone about how awesome bm is...most fail to mention how freaking hard, it is! Our plan was to bf for a year (and, do babyled weaning so who knows when we would've actually stopped) but I had a very low supply (and a bunch of other issues). I cried and cried for weeks about my supply. Our ped at the time released me from my guilt when she explained that Coop would be perfectly healthy on formula, too. I still feel the pressure from other moms though but it's much better now that he's off the formula so I'm not asked near as often about it...Now, breast is best but formula ISN'T rat poison, either!
ReplyDeleteSo, I say all of that to say do what's best for you and Joshua! Enjoy your time with him because this stage goes by so fast. Don't make the mistake of carrying around the guilt like I did and miss any of these precious moments!
I love all the pics of him on fb :) He's so cute!
Maggie I completely understand what you are saying. I felt so guilty with Dylan because it just didn't work the way I wanted it to. My nipples bled and were so raw I couldn't stand it. I managed to make it to 6 weeks and I had to stop. He was a formula baby and is my healthiest child. The whole sick kid theory is a bunch of crap. Yes there are so many wonderful things that come from BFing and I plan to BF this little girl when she gets here, but it is down right hard, especially in the beginning. Don't let anyone tell you how you should take care of Joshua. You need to do things they way they best work for you and him. If you try something and it doesn't work, so what. You both are new at this and raising a child is a big experiment. I don't remember any of my kids being born with instruction manuals. We have to write our own for each child. None of my children have been the same and to tell you the truth I am scared to death to do it all again with this one. I am scared to BF again and to do the whole baby thing again.
ReplyDeleteYou are an amazing mom and I think Joshua and Alexandra are so lucky to have you! Don't ever let anyone make you feel any less. There will be bumps in the road and this BFing stuff is just one of those bumps. Love you mama!!!
BF is so HARD! I agree with Michelle because I have known many formula baby's including my son that are perfectly healthy. My son was in the NICU and even the nurses there told me to supplement. I BF for 4 months and it was hell. Yes it was nice to bond with him but it just made me exhausted. I was glad when it was over. Switching him to formula was a breeze because I would give him both. With my rainbow I plan on doing the same thing. I know all babies are different but I don't think formula will be harmful to her no matter what people say. Do what is best for you and Joshua, don't let anyone tell you otherwise. He will love you either way, trust me!
ReplyDeleteI have to admit I've been one of those judgemental people. I once heard a woman say she wasn't going to breastfeed because she wanted her boobs to stay big and firm! lol Women like that deserve the dirty looks! That being said, it is really hard to BF! I had a lot of trouble with my daughter too. She just would not take the breast. She would spit it out and yell at me. We only succesfully fed once. So, I was like a cow hooked up to a machine all the time pumping every two hours. It was not pleasant and yes it hurt! I'm hoping things go better with Caleb because I do think breast is best and don't want to deprive him but it comes down to doing what is best for both of you and him having a miserable mom in pain all the time isn't what's best! Good luck!
ReplyDeleteMaggie, Having not been able to breastfeed ever I can't tell you what you should or shouldn't do. I plan to breastfeed with my next rainbow, granted I have one. I do think that the decision to BF is strictly up to the mother. Nobody should try to talk you into, or out of it. Not nutritionists, not Drs, not other mothers, not even Mark. YOU are Joshua's mommy. YOU know whats best for him. That being said, I could be TOTALLY off on this, but formula now has so many vitamins & minerals in it that are vital to a baby's development, if you were to stop BF I don't think it would make a difference. I don't know. I'm just talking, but I don't think you should feel bad if you aren't able to, or just don't feel like it. That decision is YOURS. Nobody else's. Don't let anyone try to make you feel bad for it. I love you, Alexandra, and Joshua! ♥
ReplyDeleteI have read (and written) so many posts lately on this same topic. Actually I think you knew that from commenting on my blog. lol The guilt sucks so bad, but really food is best. No matter how they get it, food is best.
ReplyDeleteI get this. my supply is low so add latching issues and Joshua became formula and pumped bf fed. I beat myself up initially for not being able to give him more bf but my lactation consultant reminded me that some is better then none and Josh has remained fairly healthy. He is just getting his first cold now. You are doing awesome!
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