15 days....

I and Joshua have to hang in there for fifteen days. I'm anxious to say the least. It's only two weeks, but it feels like an eternity. If I could stay up for the next two weeks, I think I would be fine, but the nights are the hardest. I have anxiety every single night. I give Joshua a "pep talk" every night telling him to hang in there for a couple of more weeks. My husband talks to him and tells him to "stay alive tonight".... Expecting fathers should not have to do that. Every night I'm thinking, 'what if he doesn't make it through the night?' What if this turns into a nightmare all over again? What am I going to do? I cannot handle losing another baby. I feel like I am so close and so far at the same time. I'm trying to get excited, but remain cautious at the same time. It's such a mixture of emotions. I hate that I cannot blissfully just look forward to this baby coming like a normal pregnant woman. I want to brag about nesting. I want to act innocent and I almost want to be able to be one of "those" women who complain about the last few weeks because they are so uncomfortable, but I will never do that because I have grown to hate those kind of women. I'm enjoying every kick and turn. I don't mind the kicks in the ribs. I don't mind not being able to sleep, but I do mind not being able to sleep because I'm afraid my baby will die during the night. I don't think any mother should have to have that worry. Most mothers worry about that after their baby is born. I already am. :-(  I'm almost thinking of asking my doctor to push up my c-section too, like the day I turn 37 weeks! Is that even possible? I suppose I could ask. My anxiety is getting the best of me, so maybe it's worth a shot or maybe, I can hang in there for the next two weeks. I just want him in my arms safe and sound.