Wishing

For those that are curious, this is what the monitor looks like if you see Dr. Collins. It has brought me some peace of mind, but then there's the worry about actually going to bed and going to sleep during the night. Anyway, the whole reason for this post is I can't help but wonder what it would have been like had we had this for Alexandra? Would we have been able to catch something? Was her heartrate slowly declining? I am almost convinced that it was because I vaguely remember the further along I got, the harder her heartbeat was to find with my doppler. And the doppler was reading low, but I NEVER thought of anything of it. How was I to know? It was my first pregnancy. I didn't know what the normal heartrate was for babies and I never bothered to ask because every visit was "normal". I know the "what ifs" are useless and there's nothing I can do about it now, but I always wonder every night.

Tomorrow is also the scary "35 week" mark. I had an appointment today for an NST and things were good. My gut is telling me this baby is going to be born, but my head is giving me dark thoughts every now and then. I think after I get through this week and milestone, I might actually start to "feel better". I think.  Be strong Joshua! Only a few more weeks to go! Keep it up! :-)