18 weeks...and the winners are...

Well, if you guessed BOY, you were right!! And based on my poll, that was a very select number of you!! Also, today marks a momentous occasion... I finally have the guts to put up a pregnancy ticker!

I have a confession to make. I'm already in love, even though that scares the bejeezes (sp?!) out of me! The appointment went well. Everything measured right on schedule. Baby boy currently weighs 9 oz., which they said was right on schedule. The only thing of a little concern is a cyst was found in his head, but based on all my bloodwork from my integrated screen and everything else, the Doctor didn't seem all that concerned. He actually found it reassuring and said most of the time, cysts just disappear on their own. If my bloodwork did come out abnormal, then he would have been concerned and would have recommended an amnio! Ah!! No thank you! So, I'm very glad that my blood results came out okay and chances are it will disappear on its own. I HOPE. I go back in four long weeks to be checked again and see how things are progressing. Heartbeat today was 154 bpm too! Until then... here are some pictures of the little guy and who wants to chip in to help purchase an ultrasound machine?! I will let anyone use it for free after me! :-D

I think this is my favorite picture.

Boy or girl?

Okay, as anxious as I am about this upcoming appointment and let's face it, this entire pregnancy...I decided I'm going to act like a normal pregnant woman for this one time only and allow you readers to guess whether or not Alexandra will be a big sister to a baby brother or baby sister! If you want to, leave your guess in the poll (that is hopefully here)!

Tomorrow is the big ultrasound. I remember Alexandra's. I had no idea what to expect. I was a naturally a little worried, but nothing compared to what I'm feeling tonight. This journey seems so hard and February seems SO far away. Every day I'm taking a big breath and hoping for the best. Every day I feel so anxious that something will go wrong any given minute. Every day I wonder if I'll ever be able to take this little baby home too and every day I grow more and more attached to him or her and the thought of losing this one too terrifies me.

So, with all that nonsense out of the way, say a prayer, hope for the best, think of us! Maybe after this one I can relax??? Nope...I don't think I'll be truly relaxed until that baby is screaming in my arms! *sigh*

Thoughts on Becoming a Mother

I hesitated to post this on Facebook today because to the "normal" person, it could be taken as being selfish and they might think you're saying you're going to be a "better" Mom than them. I know it's ridiculous for a babyloss Mom to think that...but I think of those things. So I posted it here instead. One of these days when I'm annoyed or bitter, I'll probably post it! lol But I thought it was too good not to share... so here it is.


Thoughts on Becoming a Mother


There are women that become mothers without effort,
without thought, without patience or loss and though
they are good mothers and love their children, I know
that I will be better.
I will be not be better because of genetics, or money or that
I have read more books but because I have struggled and
toiled for this child. I have longed and waited. I
have cried and prayed. I have endured and planned over
and over again.
Like most things in life, the people who truly have
appreciation are those who have struggled to attain
their dreams. I will notice EVERYTHING about my child.
I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and
discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the
rest of my life.
I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night
to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort,
hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take
another temperature, pop another pill, take another
shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be
crying for me.
I count myself blessed in this sense; that God has
given me this insight, this special vision with which
I will look upon my child that my friends will not see.
Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a
child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love.
I will be a better mother for all that I have endured.
I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter,
neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain.
I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my
own body. I have been tried by fire and hell many
never face, yet given time, I stood tall.
I have prevailed. I have succeeded. I have won.
So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from
their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see
it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.
I listen.
And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it
less lonely. I have learned the immense power of
another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that
moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and
when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion
that only comes with walking in those shoes.
I have learned to appreciate life.
Yes I will be a wonderful mother.-author unknown

Still tired

I'm still tired of signing into stupid Facebook and seeing my friends who have never suffered any kind of loss happily write statuses, such as how much nesting their doing now or how anxious they are to meet their damn babies. It makes me want to scream. I was 35 weeks pregnant with Alexandra. I never actually got to the nesting mode, but I was close enough and in a matter of hours, she was gone. After a while, seeing all those happy, hopeful updates just pushes me over the edge and I'm just sick of it. I'm pregnant again, yes. It's exciting, yes. But... I'm scared to death every day that this baby will be lost too. And I really wish I didn't have to be so afraid. I wish I could be normal like them. I wish I had no idea it could happen to me.

By this time with Alexandra, I was already registered at two stores. I probably even had a few things for her. I was thinking of what color to paint her nursery. I was thinking of names. I was planning my baby shower. This time? I'm just counting down to the next day, appointment, or month and hoping with everything I have that this baby will survive. I still haven't told everyone at work that I'm pregnant. They'll be in for a surprise in a couple of weeks, I guess! :) I find myself hiding my belly when I leave from work and going out to my car because a few months ago, I told the evening attendants that "everyone was fine". They assume I leave work and go home to my new baby every night. Nope, not so much. And I really don't want to have the awkward conversation of, 'oh, you're pregnant again?! so soon!' Yup...that's what happens when the first one dies. This is my life and in some strange way, I've gotten used to it. The pain is still there and every day is terrifying, but I'm surviving and doing my best. I think that's all I can do.

14 weeks

I had another doctor's appointment today and I'm pleased to say all is well. The baby's heartbeat was a strong 150 bpm. Other than the constant worry, things are pretty uneventful, so that is good. I cannot help but think how familiar this all is though. I'm pregnant again in August just like last year. I have at least three other friends (non-babyloss) who are also pregnant and expecting babies at all different times, just like last year. I can't help but wonder if I'm going to be the one left behind again? Is everyone else going to have their babies just fine? Will I end up being the one who had something tragic happen to them again? Will I have to endure seeing babies that should be the age mine should be posted all over stupid Facebook again? I hate that I have these thoughts, but I can't help it becuase, well it happened last year. Thinking positive is so very hard, especially when it's still a little too early to feel any movements yet. Maybe once that happens, I'll "calm" down a little bit. But for now, I'm just going to be thankful that everything was good today and hope with all my heart that it continues to be good from here on out! That's all I can do! :)

11 weeks

I had an ultrasound done today and all is well!!! I was nervous about this one too. I have to be honest and say I finally broke down last Sunday and whipped out the old baby doppler. Curiosity was getting the best of me, so I sat down and tried to listen. I heard a whoosh, whoosh sound, but I wasn't sure if that was my heart or the baby's. And after that, I couldn't really hear the familiar heartbeat that I heard from Alexandra every day, so I gave up and most likely will not be doing that again (and I say that laughing because I just have to!). I will say that for not hearing a guaranteed heartbeat that day... I handled it all pretty well. I knew I was still pretty early and I remember not being able to hear Alexandra's right away with it, so I just told myself I'm no doctor and threw it back down on the floor where it was (yes, not even gently placed back to whereever it should be). After that, I was a little nervous and the worst was in the back of my mind, even though it already is every, single day. I wish I could stop thinking like that!

However, today was great. The baby's heartbeat was 165 bpm and was moving around all over the place. That makes for a very relieved Mommy & Daddy! :)  Keep it up lil' jumping bean!!!

p.s. I also have to add this little annoyance that has just been eating at me. I've put several updates on Facebook about the pregnancy. Every time I do it, I kind of cringe because I am fearful of the ones I could be "hurting". I remember it all too well and it still gets me sometimes, but I have a lot of family on there and sometimes it's the only way they will get an update (because I sure am not telling them!). Ha ha. Anyway, after some updates here and there, I've noticed some people who never even said a word about Alexandra are all about the "Congrats Maggie!!!" Oh! Where were you the last eight months?! Now that I'm pregnant, it's safe to comment on all my status updates? They all come out now....  (ok, vent over). :-)

Good feelings...

Anyone a fan of "My Chemical Romance"? If you are, think of their song, "Teenagers" and put in "good feelings" in place of that. It would go something like, "Good feelings scare...the living shit out of me!" That's what I'm feeling at the moment. Every time I feel "too good" (at least physically) I get scared. I worry that something is wrong. Why don't I have any cramping? Why don't I feel like shit? Why don't I feel AS tired? Why do I have the energy to come on here and bitch about it? Why? Why? Why? Why can't I just enjoy the moment of feeling "good" and enjoy the fact that yes, I'm pregnant. This is what I wanted since Alexandra died. Enjoy it all. But in the end, I just get scared and worried. I even have my doppler within reach of me at this very moment. I also might add that I'm fairly certain that I own the damn thing now! For those of you that read my other blog, you might remember a post about how I couldn't bear to send it back just yet, so every month on the 18th, $25.00 would be charged to my card for its rental. Well, eight months later and I still haven't sent the stupid thing back, but I haven't been charged for it in a really long time, so I'm thinking I either invested enough money in the thing to actually own it OR the company is secretly still charging me and I'll be confronted with some crazy bill demanding me to pay them all at once OR the company has me on their black list and will be hunting me down for baby doppler theft any day now. Right now, I'm going to assume I own it. I should be overjoyed that I have a doppler of my very own. I remember when I got it, I tore the box open and immediately tried looking for that heartbeat. I was right around 10-11 weeks along with Alexandra then too. But tonight, the doppler is laying somewhere on my living floor and has been untouched since November 2009. It was the first thing that told me something was definitely wrong with Alexandra. And because of that, I'm scared to death to try and find this baby's heartbeat. What if I can't find it? What if it all happens again? What if.... I'm trying so hard to stay positive about this all, but it's so very hard. I want my innocence back, but if I'm asking for that, I might as well ask for Alexandra back. Ugh... 10 weeks. 30 long weeks to go...