Still tired

I'm still tired of signing into stupid Facebook and seeing my friends who have never suffered any kind of loss happily write statuses, such as how much nesting their doing now or how anxious they are to meet their damn babies. It makes me want to scream. I was 35 weeks pregnant with Alexandra. I never actually got to the nesting mode, but I was close enough and in a matter of hours, she was gone. After a while, seeing all those happy, hopeful updates just pushes me over the edge and I'm just sick of it. I'm pregnant again, yes. It's exciting, yes. But... I'm scared to death every day that this baby will be lost too. And I really wish I didn't have to be so afraid. I wish I could be normal like them. I wish I had no idea it could happen to me.

By this time with Alexandra, I was already registered at two stores. I probably even had a few things for her. I was thinking of what color to paint her nursery. I was thinking of names. I was planning my baby shower. This time? I'm just counting down to the next day, appointment, or month and hoping with everything I have that this baby will survive. I still haven't told everyone at work that I'm pregnant. They'll be in for a surprise in a couple of weeks, I guess! :) I find myself hiding my belly when I leave from work and going out to my car because a few months ago, I told the evening attendants that "everyone was fine". They assume I leave work and go home to my new baby every night. Nope, not so much. And I really don't want to have the awkward conversation of, 'oh, you're pregnant again?! so soon!' Yup...that's what happens when the first one dies. This is my life and in some strange way, I've gotten used to it. The pain is still there and every day is terrifying, but I'm surviving and doing my best. I think that's all I can do.

14 weeks

I had another doctor's appointment today and I'm pleased to say all is well. The baby's heartbeat was a strong 150 bpm. Other than the constant worry, things are pretty uneventful, so that is good. I cannot help but think how familiar this all is though. I'm pregnant again in August just like last year. I have at least three other friends (non-babyloss) who are also pregnant and expecting babies at all different times, just like last year. I can't help but wonder if I'm going to be the one left behind again? Is everyone else going to have their babies just fine? Will I end up being the one who had something tragic happen to them again? Will I have to endure seeing babies that should be the age mine should be posted all over stupid Facebook again? I hate that I have these thoughts, but I can't help it becuase, well it happened last year. Thinking positive is so very hard, especially when it's still a little too early to feel any movements yet. Maybe once that happens, I'll "calm" down a little bit. But for now, I'm just going to be thankful that everything was good today and hope with all my heart that it continues to be good from here on out! That's all I can do! :)

11 weeks

I had an ultrasound done today and all is well!!! I was nervous about this one too. I have to be honest and say I finally broke down last Sunday and whipped out the old baby doppler. Curiosity was getting the best of me, so I sat down and tried to listen. I heard a whoosh, whoosh sound, but I wasn't sure if that was my heart or the baby's. And after that, I couldn't really hear the familiar heartbeat that I heard from Alexandra every day, so I gave up and most likely will not be doing that again (and I say that laughing because I just have to!). I will say that for not hearing a guaranteed heartbeat that day... I handled it all pretty well. I knew I was still pretty early and I remember not being able to hear Alexandra's right away with it, so I just told myself I'm no doctor and threw it back down on the floor where it was (yes, not even gently placed back to whereever it should be). After that, I was a little nervous and the worst was in the back of my mind, even though it already is every, single day. I wish I could stop thinking like that!

However, today was great. The baby's heartbeat was 165 bpm and was moving around all over the place. That makes for a very relieved Mommy & Daddy! :)  Keep it up lil' jumping bean!!!

p.s. I also have to add this little annoyance that has just been eating at me. I've put several updates on Facebook about the pregnancy. Every time I do it, I kind of cringe because I am fearful of the ones I could be "hurting". I remember it all too well and it still gets me sometimes, but I have a lot of family on there and sometimes it's the only way they will get an update (because I sure am not telling them!). Ha ha. Anyway, after some updates here and there, I've noticed some people who never even said a word about Alexandra are all about the "Congrats Maggie!!!" Oh! Where were you the last eight months?! Now that I'm pregnant, it's safe to comment on all my status updates? They all come out now....  (ok, vent over). :-)

Good feelings...

Anyone a fan of "My Chemical Romance"? If you are, think of their song, "Teenagers" and put in "good feelings" in place of that. It would go something like, "Good feelings scare...the living shit out of me!" That's what I'm feeling at the moment. Every time I feel "too good" (at least physically) I get scared. I worry that something is wrong. Why don't I have any cramping? Why don't I feel like shit? Why don't I feel AS tired? Why do I have the energy to come on here and bitch about it? Why? Why? Why? Why can't I just enjoy the moment of feeling "good" and enjoy the fact that yes, I'm pregnant. This is what I wanted since Alexandra died. Enjoy it all. But in the end, I just get scared and worried. I even have my doppler within reach of me at this very moment. I also might add that I'm fairly certain that I own the damn thing now! For those of you that read my other blog, you might remember a post about how I couldn't bear to send it back just yet, so every month on the 18th, $25.00 would be charged to my card for its rental. Well, eight months later and I still haven't sent the stupid thing back, but I haven't been charged for it in a really long time, so I'm thinking I either invested enough money in the thing to actually own it OR the company is secretly still charging me and I'll be confronted with some crazy bill demanding me to pay them all at once OR the company has me on their black list and will be hunting me down for baby doppler theft any day now. Right now, I'm going to assume I own it. I should be overjoyed that I have a doppler of my very own. I remember when I got it, I tore the box open and immediately tried looking for that heartbeat. I was right around 10-11 weeks along with Alexandra then too. But tonight, the doppler is laying somewhere on my living floor and has been untouched since November 2009. It was the first thing that told me something was definitely wrong with Alexandra. And because of that, I'm scared to death to try and find this baby's heartbeat. What if I can't find it? What if it all happens again? What if.... I'm trying so hard to stay positive about this all, but it's so very hard. I want my innocence back, but if I'm asking for that, I might as well ask for Alexandra back. Ugh... 10 weeks. 30 long weeks to go...

10 weeks

I had an appointment today. With Alexandra, I remember I would always look forward to these upcoming appointments. I just couldn't wait to go in there, hear that heartbeat and be on my way. Now it's all different. Now, I'm just HOPING I get to hear a heartbeat and hoping that everything is okay and I'm prepared to stay in there for as long as I need to. *sigh* How very different indeed. But, the good news today is that we are 10 weeks along and we heard that heartbeat right away. 150 bpm to be exact. :-)  So that's a good thing and I'll relax...until tomorrow (ha ha). Other than that, things have been pretty uneventful and I'm hoping for it to stay that way.

Feels like the first time

This is my second pregnancy, but it feels like my first. It almost seems silly considering I was pregnant only around eight months ago! I feel like I should know everything. I should know what is safe to eat. I should know the aches and pains. But I don't. I second guess everything I eat. I don't know how many times I've googled, "is it safe to eat...". It drives me crazy too because I shouldn't have to second guess everything. I should have had my baby and I should not have to be pregnant two summers in a row. But I am because my baby died.

It feels like I have been away from this space for a while. It's mostly because I am convinced this new baby wants me to do nothing, but eat, sleep and sit on my ass watching TV. :-)  Last Friday I called off work because I was having terrible pains in my stomach. It takes a lot for me to call off work too! But this time, I'm not going to mess around. If I feel bad, I'm staying home. I went in to see my doctor that day and she said they were normal pains. After eight hours of them not going away, we finally decided to just to to the  ER to make sure it wasn't appendicitis or anything like that. We had an ultrasound and everything was fine. I think my favorite part was when the ER doctor told me very bluntly, "You'll either have a healthy baby or you won't...and seeing that you already had a miscarriage, I'm sure you are aware of that". Uhh...thank you doctor...ASS. As if I didn't know that already and hey! I had a STILLBIRTH, not a miscarriage, thank you very much!!! But all is well and overall, I feel okay. Today is my first attempt at getting caught up here reading blogs. If I don't comment, know that I'm still here and I am reading. :-)

So different

This time around is so very different. I remember the first day after my first appointment with Alexandra. We called practically everyone we knew. My husband called most of the people in his family. I remember his sister cried because she was so happy. Now...I'm not sure if that was true or not. My how things change. This time around we told our parents first and a few select people. A lot of the family still do not know. I can only imagine the barrage of comments and thoughts running through people's heads. "Oh, so soon?", "Oh...well, surely she's over it now! Now she can really move on and focus on this baby and just forget about that other one!", "Why again? She's just going to lose another one." Ouch. All those seem pretty hurtful and hopefully, I will not have to hear any of them, but I know I can count on a few assholes to say it. Come on, I dare you. I'm ready to take it and this time, I'll blame crazy hormones for my wicked comeback. For now though, I'm going to enjoy the fact that only a handful of people do know. Those few are the ones that I love and the ones who seem to just "get it".

I also haven't joined any baby sites like I did with Alexandra. There will be no weekly updates of how this little jumping bean is growing. I know for the most part what is going on in there and I don't need those daily reminders, in case god forbid... I have to remove myself from all those mailing lists again. I haven't opened any pregnancy books or even taken a peek at what day February 19th is. I don't think I need to know for quite some time. Now, I just want to get to the next day...the next week. That is good enough for me.