I'm still tired of signing into stupid Facebook and seeing my friends who have never suffered any kind of loss happily write statuses, such as how much nesting their doing now or how anxious they are to meet their damn babies. It makes me want to scream. I was 35 weeks pregnant with Alexandra. I never actually got to the nesting mode, but I was close enough and in a matter of hours, she was gone. After a while, seeing all those happy, hopeful updates just pushes me over the edge and I'm just sick of it. I'm pregnant again, yes. It's exciting, yes. But... I'm scared to death every day that this baby will be lost too. And I really wish I didn't have to be so afraid. I wish I could be normal like them. I wish I had no idea it could happen to me.
By this time with Alexandra, I was already registered at two stores. I probably even had a few things for her. I was thinking of what color to paint her nursery. I was thinking of names. I was planning my baby shower. This time? I'm just counting down to the next day, appointment, or month and hoping with everything I have that this baby will survive. I still haven't told everyone at work that I'm pregnant. They'll be in for a surprise in a couple of weeks, I guess! :) I find myself hiding my belly when I leave from work and going out to my car because a few months ago, I told the evening attendants that "everyone was fine". They assume I leave work and go home to my new baby every night. Nope, not so much. And I really don't want to have the awkward conversation of, 'oh, you're pregnant again?! so soon!' Yup...that's what happens when the first one dies. This is my life and in some strange way, I've gotten used to it. The pain is still there and every day is terrifying, but I'm surviving and doing my best. I think that's all I can do.
(((HUGS)))
ReplyDeleteI know exactly how you feel. I will hide this one for a very long time. I almost feel guilty because of it, but the thought of having to face everyone if I lose it is just too much to bare!!! I hope that you can get a little more excited as time goes by and I pray that you will get to bring this one home with you!!!
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I totally get this post! I have felt some strage guilt for being pregnant only 2 months after Amelia's death. Honestly, I have heard 'it is soo soon' from family, I figured that I didn't want to keep hearing it from others. But then again, I mentally have to say to myself...I would be getting crap if she were alive, because NO ONE thinks it is a good idea to be pregnant soon after a baby is born, whether the live or die. The fact is, it is personal ~ it is like a personal attack of disapproval that is a slap on the face. How can we NOT feel affected.
ReplyDeleteI hope that it gets better for you sweetie!
i'm just tired of stupidness in general! i don't want to hear about farmville or some other petty little thing happening in someone's life. don't they know babies are out there dying and they're playing mafia wars on FB?!?! and posting about some party they went to or how much they drank.
ReplyDeletei know it's hard to get through this pregnancy with the same positive attitude you had before. But I think you should do your best to do all of the things you did with Alexandra, even if it's scary. That way WHEN this baby is born healthy and you bring him/her home you won't have any regrets. I know that is easier said than done, trust me I know!
Ahh Maggie, isnt FB a total biatch! I do like it but i have been avoiding it off late too. In the past few months three people i went to school with who all had babies when i was pregnant with matilda have announced they are pregnant again! so apart from putting up photos of where their babies are at, they are also posting belly pics and other nonsense i am sure u are familiar with! you are not alone my dear - keep your chin up!
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I still get frustrated reading certain status' about how this woman is doing this while pregnant and that one is doing this. Those women will never know what its like to say good bye to their baby. *hugs*
ReplyDeleteIt definitely is a hard road to be on. Our blinders are definitely off, and it does sting to hear others getting to enjoy the moments with which we lost out on when our babies' passed away. *Hugs* Sometimes it feels like its being rubbed in.
ReplyDeleteDefinitely not happy go lucky anymore that's for sure. Pregnancy after loss is much different!
ReplyDeleteoh maggie...im late with this blog, i actually was curious to see if you have posted anything new and came to see you did...sigh...i wish you didnt feel like you needed to 'hide' the baby...i know how you are feeling though...and i wish people would just realize that 35 weeks isnt a 'safe zone' anymore...there is never going to be a safe zone in my eyes...pregnancy after loss is a completely different world. its almost like a new part of the loss you didnt know could exist...(((hugs)))...thinking of you today...cant even call the baby jumping bean anymore ;) I like calling it a baby now =D
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