Fear

This sucks and that's the only way I can explain it. With every passing week, I feel relieved and terrified at the same time. I'm 32 weeks now and 35 is quickly approaching, which is when I lost Alexandra. I know this is a different pregnancy, blah, blah, blah... but I cannot help but wonder, do I only have 3 more weeks left to go with this baby? I am hating this. Rather than being excited about his upcoming arrival, I'm just plain afraid I'm going to lose him too. I hate that I'm terrified of going to sleep each night because I'm afraid that when I wake up in the morning, he'll be gone. I hate that we have no real explanation as to why we lost Alexandra, so this entire pregnancy is kind of like a guessing game as to what will happen. I hate that I'm still terrified to buy any actual baby clothes. We received a couple of things for him at Christmas, which I was really happy about. I'm thinking if I reach 35, I will celebrate and buy a bunch of things then and do all of the things I didn't get to do with Alexandra. Maybe I just need to get over that milestone. I remember with Alexandra, the day I turned 35 weeks, I actually felt relieved. Her entire pregnancy, I acted as if I had already had a loss! I wish I could see into the future. All I want is to know this baby will be coming home with us. : (  This is so hard. I feel like every Mom who has gone through a pregnancy after a loss deserves a freakin medal! And it also annoys me that no matter how many times I tell people I'm afraid or worried, I hear, "Oh, everything WILL be just fine!!!!!" Oh really? Prove it!