28 weeks

28 weeks now and.... still not feeling all that safe. I know Alexandra's pregnancy is completely different than this one. It's a different baby too. Just because I lost Alexandra at 35 weeks does not mean something will happen with this one (fingers crossed). It's just so hard to feel completely confident in everything when I know the worst can happen because it happened once before. I hate it! But.... we had an ultrasound today and everything was well and on track. Baby is 2 lbs. 12 oz. :-) and here he is! I love him! I go back in five weeks and at 32 weeks, I start weekly NSTs. All I want is to bring this little guy home, so very much.

I haven't been able to buy anything yet because I've been too afraid. The logical side of me says, don't be silly. The act of buying something for this baby will not 'jinx' you. But my heart says, 'don't even think of it just yet'. I've been able to look at a lot of things I want though, so I guess that's a step in the right direction. The whole thing just sucks to say the least. This time with Alexandra, we had already signed her up for daycare and she was practically in the door. With this baby, we've been too afraid to sign her up for daycare and because of that, we probably won't get in until the fall. But I would rather have the dilemma of not knowing how to take care of the baby until then rather than something else right now. Hopefully in the next few weeks, I'll start to feel a little more confident and can start spoiling this new baby! And now that I'm officially on maternity leave, maybe I can start. :-)  I decided to take an extra long leave this time around. No stress, no worrying about getting into a potential car accident on the way to or from work in the crazy traffic and weather... just lots of time to take it easy and focus on this little man.

22 Weeks

Am I the only one that is not quite comforted by everything "looking good"? Because, that's all I ever heard with Alexandra until things WEREN'T looking good... But, to try and sound a bit more positive, today, everything looked good. I am right on track and baby is actually measuring a little ahead, in the 55% percentile and weighs 1 lb. 4 oz. So today I feel great about things. Next week (or maybe even tomorrow) I'll be worrying again. If they did ultrasounds every single day, I seriously think I would be okay with that. :-)  I go back for another ultrasound in about five weeks and start NSTs shortly after that. Here is a picture of our little guy... and I'm not sure why it showed up sideways. :/

The other night, I went to buy a "Baby's 1st Halloween" onesie for my new niece along with some other things. I should have also been buying Alexandra one and it felt so sad. Then, I had every intention of starting to buy some blue things for this baby, but I got too scared. The logical side of me says that buying things for this baby will not "jinx" him in any way, but the pyschological side of me says, "don't even think about doing that stuff yet! are you kidding me??" Maybe someday soon...or maybe he'll just run around naked for the first few days after he's born, what's the harm in that? Or maybe he'll wear pink for the first week or so... I don't know. I just hope he comes home.

20 weeks

Tomorrow I will officially be 21 weeks pregnant. Normally, I would have a sigh of relief because I have gotten this far, but let's face it..I still have a hell of a long ways to go. I'm not even at my "scary" week yet (35 weeks). I don't think I'm going to feel relieved until this baby boy is in my arms screaming. I hate this feeling of worry and doom. I try to be positive every day though too, it's just super hard.

Today I called my doctor to ask her if what I've been feeling lately is normal. I barely ever did this with Alexandra. I always thought, it's normal... I'm fine. And would usually take whatever I read in my books or online as being okay. Not this time! My belly has been feeling tight and full, usually in the evenings when I'm home from work. It doesn't hurt and it's just uncomfortable to say the least. I don't feel like walking anywhere and I just want to sit my ass down on the couch and watch TV. So I called today about it and my doctor said to come on in for some reassurance. Sure enough, baby's heartbeat was a perfect 150 bpm and she said it was everything just stretching. Has anyone felt like this? I'm just curious. The only thing that worried me was it wasn't going away after a few minutes and lasting for hours. But I guess it's all normal. :-)

I'm glad everything is okay and I'm really glad my doctor agreed to see me. I wasn't expecting an actual visit. I thought she would just call back and tell me what it was, so that was actually nice (considering I just saw her Tuesday too)! I go for another ultrasound in two weeks. I'm looking forward to it, but also worrying...of course.

18 weeks...and the winners are...

Well, if you guessed BOY, you were right!! And based on my poll, that was a very select number of you!! Also, today marks a momentous occasion... I finally have the guts to put up a pregnancy ticker!

I have a confession to make. I'm already in love, even though that scares the bejeezes (sp?!) out of me! The appointment went well. Everything measured right on schedule. Baby boy currently weighs 9 oz., which they said was right on schedule. The only thing of a little concern is a cyst was found in his head, but based on all my bloodwork from my integrated screen and everything else, the Doctor didn't seem all that concerned. He actually found it reassuring and said most of the time, cysts just disappear on their own. If my bloodwork did come out abnormal, then he would have been concerned and would have recommended an amnio! Ah!! No thank you! So, I'm very glad that my blood results came out okay and chances are it will disappear on its own. I HOPE. I go back in four long weeks to be checked again and see how things are progressing. Heartbeat today was 154 bpm too! Until then... here are some pictures of the little guy and who wants to chip in to help purchase an ultrasound machine?! I will let anyone use it for free after me! :-D

I think this is my favorite picture.

Boy or girl?

Okay, as anxious as I am about this upcoming appointment and let's face it, this entire pregnancy...I decided I'm going to act like a normal pregnant woman for this one time only and allow you readers to guess whether or not Alexandra will be a big sister to a baby brother or baby sister! If you want to, leave your guess in the poll (that is hopefully here)!

Tomorrow is the big ultrasound. I remember Alexandra's. I had no idea what to expect. I was a naturally a little worried, but nothing compared to what I'm feeling tonight. This journey seems so hard and February seems SO far away. Every day I'm taking a big breath and hoping for the best. Every day I feel so anxious that something will go wrong any given minute. Every day I wonder if I'll ever be able to take this little baby home too and every day I grow more and more attached to him or her and the thought of losing this one too terrifies me.

So, with all that nonsense out of the way, say a prayer, hope for the best, think of us! Maybe after this one I can relax??? Nope...I don't think I'll be truly relaxed until that baby is screaming in my arms! *sigh*

Thoughts on Becoming a Mother

I hesitated to post this on Facebook today because to the "normal" person, it could be taken as being selfish and they might think you're saying you're going to be a "better" Mom than them. I know it's ridiculous for a babyloss Mom to think that...but I think of those things. So I posted it here instead. One of these days when I'm annoyed or bitter, I'll probably post it! lol But I thought it was too good not to share... so here it is.


Thoughts on Becoming a Mother


There are women that become mothers without effort,
without thought, without patience or loss and though
they are good mothers and love their children, I know
that I will be better.
I will be not be better because of genetics, or money or that
I have read more books but because I have struggled and
toiled for this child. I have longed and waited. I
have cried and prayed. I have endured and planned over
and over again.
Like most things in life, the people who truly have
appreciation are those who have struggled to attain
their dreams. I will notice EVERYTHING about my child.
I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and
discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the
rest of my life.
I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night
to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort,
hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take
another temperature, pop another pill, take another
shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be
crying for me.
I count myself blessed in this sense; that God has
given me this insight, this special vision with which
I will look upon my child that my friends will not see.
Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a
child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love.
I will be a better mother for all that I have endured.
I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter,
neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain.
I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my
own body. I have been tried by fire and hell many
never face, yet given time, I stood tall.
I have prevailed. I have succeeded. I have won.
So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from
their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see
it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.
I listen.
And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it
less lonely. I have learned the immense power of
another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that
moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and
when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion
that only comes with walking in those shoes.
I have learned to appreciate life.
Yes I will be a wonderful mother.-author unknown

Still tired

I'm still tired of signing into stupid Facebook and seeing my friends who have never suffered any kind of loss happily write statuses, such as how much nesting their doing now or how anxious they are to meet their damn babies. It makes me want to scream. I was 35 weeks pregnant with Alexandra. I never actually got to the nesting mode, but I was close enough and in a matter of hours, she was gone. After a while, seeing all those happy, hopeful updates just pushes me over the edge and I'm just sick of it. I'm pregnant again, yes. It's exciting, yes. But... I'm scared to death every day that this baby will be lost too. And I really wish I didn't have to be so afraid. I wish I could be normal like them. I wish I had no idea it could happen to me.

By this time with Alexandra, I was already registered at two stores. I probably even had a few things for her. I was thinking of what color to paint her nursery. I was thinking of names. I was planning my baby shower. This time? I'm just counting down to the next day, appointment, or month and hoping with everything I have that this baby will survive. I still haven't told everyone at work that I'm pregnant. They'll be in for a surprise in a couple of weeks, I guess! :) I find myself hiding my belly when I leave from work and going out to my car because a few months ago, I told the evening attendants that "everyone was fine". They assume I leave work and go home to my new baby every night. Nope, not so much. And I really don't want to have the awkward conversation of, 'oh, you're pregnant again?! so soon!' Yup...that's what happens when the first one dies. This is my life and in some strange way, I've gotten used to it. The pain is still there and every day is terrifying, but I'm surviving and doing my best. I think that's all I can do.