Wishing

For those that are curious, this is what the monitor looks like if you see Dr. Collins. It has brought me some peace of mind, but then there's the worry about actually going to bed and going to sleep during the night. Anyway, the whole reason for this post is I can't help but wonder what it would have been like had we had this for Alexandra? Would we have been able to catch something? Was her heartrate slowly declining? I am almost convinced that it was because I vaguely remember the further along I got, the harder her heartbeat was to find with my doppler. And the doppler was reading low, but I NEVER thought of anything of it. How was I to know? It was my first pregnancy. I didn't know what the normal heartrate was for babies and I never bothered to ask because every visit was "normal". I know the "what ifs" are useless and there's nothing I can do about it now, but I always wonder every night.

Tomorrow is also the scary "35 week" mark. I had an appointment today for an NST and things were good. My gut is telling me this baby is going to be born, but my head is giving me dark thoughts every now and then. I think after I get through this week and milestone, I might actually start to "feel better". I think.  Be strong Joshua! Only a few more weeks to go! Keep it up! :-)

What now?

I think the last couple months have been the hardest... or who am I kidding? Everything since Alexandra has been just plain hard. I've had a cold on and off since December. Then I had some ear issues and yesterday I woke up to the sweet pain of a toothache, which has now been diagnosed as a cavity and abscess, really? Ugh. But the bright side in all of this is Joshua is kicking away, our nightly monitor readings look good along with the NSTs, but somehow I'm still not comforted by any of that. This tooth thing really worried me because I've heard of infections getting into the baby and being fatal! Are you kidding me?!?! I'm 34 weeks pregnant, almost to the scary week. I don't need to think about that right now! However, I went to my dentist today and he prescribed me some antibiotics for the abscess and scheduled work to be done after the baby was born, so talking to him, plus my other doctor, I think I'm okay. Still scary though, especially since I've made the big step of purchasing clothes/bedding for this little guy. I'm almost afraid to get excited about all of these things. It's all too familiar. All the clothes are bought. The bedding is bought. We have the furniture...and are just waiting. Waiting for what though? I keep thinking the worst and I hate that I think that. I try so hard to banish those thoughts and they still linger in the back of my mind. Nights are a joke lately since half the time I'm either up or holding my belly to make sure he's still moving in there. I honestly don't remember being that afraid with Alexandra. I remember hoping she would make it through the night and feeling my belly to make sure she moved, but I don't remember this panic I have of course. It's so hard. About three more weeks to go... please let us have our happy ending so our hearts can be "almost" happy and full again. That's all I ask for and all I want.

p.s. At the dentist today, there was a newborn in the waiting room. He was the tiniest thing I have ever seen. He was born 5 and 1/2 weeks early due to pre-eclampsia and weighed 3 lbs. 14 oz. (this I all hear just from her talking to the secretaries there) Now he weighs about 8 lbs. She got her baby... he's alive. He was born early. Joshua probably weighs about 5 lbs. now. I know he needs to stay a little longer in me, but sometimes I can't help but think, 'get him out!' He can spend some time in the NICU for a little bit... I know I shouldn't wish for my baby to be born early and have to have a NICU stay, but those thoughts entered my mind. I just want him so much. :(   I want him alive and I want him in my arms... just like that lady in the waiting room. Oh, and let me just add the lady was upset he was born early because she was forced to miss some of her finals in college... are you really serious lady? THAT is what you're upset about? Talk to me.. I'll give you something to feel upset about. People amaze me.

February 3rd!

It's official. If all continues to go well and smooth like it is (fingers crossed), we are scheduled to have a c-section on February 3rd. That's in four weeks! Less than a month really... I'm nervous and excited. That's about it. Hang in there Joshua, only a few more weeks to go!! :-)

33 weeks

I had a 33 week ultrasound today and everything is looking well. I say that with a deep breath because I'm still not satisfied with the "everything looks great" phrase. I wish I could be, BUT it's a new year and a new baby... so I'm trying my hardest! I felt really good after this appointment and we received some exciting news. My doctor wants to schedule a c-section at 37-38 weeks! Given my history, he doesn't want me to go any further along than that and that is 100% fine with me! We were going to try VBAC, but since there is a chance of uterine rupture, then I think we're going to schedule the c-section, unless I go into labor before then. I'm good with that too. I hated my c-section, but if I can have one with my baby safe in my arms, I'll gladly take the pain and long recovery period for that. Next week, I start NSTs twice a week and have another ultrasound in two weeks... the scary 35 week mark. I'm hoping that I can make it through this month. It feels so close now. I'm excited and terrified of reaching 35 weeks. But with all my NSTs, monitoring and seeing the doctor then, it makes me a little more comfortable. Hang in there Joshua, just a few more weeks! 4-5 to be exact! :-)

Fear

This sucks and that's the only way I can explain it. With every passing week, I feel relieved and terrified at the same time. I'm 32 weeks now and 35 is quickly approaching, which is when I lost Alexandra. I know this is a different pregnancy, blah, blah, blah... but I cannot help but wonder, do I only have 3 more weeks left to go with this baby? I am hating this. Rather than being excited about his upcoming arrival, I'm just plain afraid I'm going to lose him too. I hate that I'm terrified of going to sleep each night because I'm afraid that when I wake up in the morning, he'll be gone. I hate that we have no real explanation as to why we lost Alexandra, so this entire pregnancy is kind of like a guessing game as to what will happen. I hate that I'm still terrified to buy any actual baby clothes. We received a couple of things for him at Christmas, which I was really happy about. I'm thinking if I reach 35, I will celebrate and buy a bunch of things then and do all of the things I didn't get to do with Alexandra. Maybe I just need to get over that milestone. I remember with Alexandra, the day I turned 35 weeks, I actually felt relieved. Her entire pregnancy, I acted as if I had already had a loss! I wish I could see into the future. All I want is to know this baby will be coming home with us. : (  This is so hard. I feel like every Mom who has gone through a pregnancy after a loss deserves a freakin medal! And it also annoys me that no matter how many times I tell people I'm afraid or worried, I hear, "Oh, everything WILL be just fine!!!!!" Oh really? Prove it!

Peace of mind...maybe?

After Alexandra died, I remember I would sit here for hours and hours just googling stillbirth causes and anything having to do with grief and support. While I was doing that, I stumbled across this site, The Pregnancy Institute. I remember reading about what this doctor did for pregnant women who had already had a loss and I thought the work was amazing. I also felt so sad because I wondered if I had this for Alexandra, would we have been able to save her? But how were we to know? Months passed and I never really acted on it. For one thing, I didn't know if I would get pregnant again and when I did, my thoughts were, this doctor is in another state, how would that even work? Well, one day I was on Facebook of all things and one of my friends shared a video of how it all works. It was a newsclip of someone who had done this. I immediately took an interest in it and went to the site again and thought, what the hell, I'll e-mail him and see if I hear anything from him. If not, that's okay. Well, I e-mailed Dr. Collins and he e-mailed me right away and said to call him as soon as I could! I was floored. Months of fighting with ob/gyn offices just to talk to someone about another pregnancy, then fighting some more to talk to someone if I was afraid of something and for this doctor to follow up with me right away?! Well, I took it as a good sign.

For those of you who are not familiar with Dr. Collins, he specializes in cord related accidents and stillbirth. He had previously practiced for a number of years and had delivered babies in the past that had cord related accidents. He is now part of The Pregnancy Institute that offers home fetal monitoring for pregnant women who have had a previous stillbirth. To read more about him, go here and check out the videos he has.

As far as we know, Alexandra's death was not related to a cord accident. However, after contacting him he said he was interested in seeing us anyway. I admit to being afraid of this whole thing. Was it safe? Was it the right thing to do? Was traveling okay for me? Would it be worth it in the end? What it came down to was, my husband and I are willing to do anything at all possible to bring this little boy home with us and we would rather do something instead of nothing and regret it later when it was too late. So we flew down to Baton Rouge, LA and met with Dr. Collins. I can honestly say this is the most comfortable I have been up to this point. Just to talk to someone who understands how afraid we are and actually wants to discuss the issue of stillbirth was refreshing. My doctors have been great, thus far, but I can't help but feel that if something were to happen, all they would say was, there's nothing we could have done...like last time. Dr. Collins thinks differently. There is nothing we could have done isn't in his vocabulary and he wants to change that by using this home fetal monitoring system. It's basically a monitor that shows the heartrate and your contractions and you are hooked up to it every night for half an hour. After that, the results are e-mailed directly to him via
e-mail and he interprets them after that. If it shows any significant dips, that's when you are instructed to go to the hospital and not to leave until they do an ultrasound or get that baby out! I feel that many other doctors and associations all feel that his work is unnecessary and that he is not a professional. I can tell this already just by mentioning him to my own doctors. They have no idea who he is and really seem to not care. And that frustrates him to no end. It's just like the issue of stillbirth. Nobody, not even professionals want to ever talk about babies dying and when they do, it's just one of a few hundred instances that are unfortunate in the field and the issue is not discussed. Dr. Collins spoke to us about how often he has gone to conferences and spoken with ob/gyns about cord accidents/stillbirth and not one has this subject in any of their conferences. Why? You would think with how often stillbirth happens (and in this community, we all know it happens more often than people would think), someone would be interested in addressing the issue or at least looking into why these things happen. Hopefully, in the future maybe it will change.

I'm still waiting on one thing before I actually am able to e-mail him my nightly results, but I have been using the monitor since I have returned and it does add some peace of mind for me. I just hope it's all worth it in the end. Please let it be. :-)

28 weeks

28 weeks now and.... still not feeling all that safe. I know Alexandra's pregnancy is completely different than this one. It's a different baby too. Just because I lost Alexandra at 35 weeks does not mean something will happen with this one (fingers crossed). It's just so hard to feel completely confident in everything when I know the worst can happen because it happened once before. I hate it! But.... we had an ultrasound today and everything was well and on track. Baby is 2 lbs. 12 oz. :-) and here he is! I love him! I go back in five weeks and at 32 weeks, I start weekly NSTs. All I want is to bring this little guy home, so very much.

I haven't been able to buy anything yet because I've been too afraid. The logical side of me says, don't be silly. The act of buying something for this baby will not 'jinx' you. But my heart says, 'don't even think of it just yet'. I've been able to look at a lot of things I want though, so I guess that's a step in the right direction. The whole thing just sucks to say the least. This time with Alexandra, we had already signed her up for daycare and she was practically in the door. With this baby, we've been too afraid to sign her up for daycare and because of that, we probably won't get in until the fall. But I would rather have the dilemma of not knowing how to take care of the baby until then rather than something else right now. Hopefully in the next few weeks, I'll start to feel a little more confident and can start spoiling this new baby! And now that I'm officially on maternity leave, maybe I can start. :-)  I decided to take an extra long leave this time around. No stress, no worrying about getting into a potential car accident on the way to or from work in the crazy traffic and weather... just lots of time to take it easy and focus on this little man.