Wednesday, January 5, 2011
February 3rd!
It's official. If all continues to go well and smooth like it is (fingers crossed), we are scheduled to have a c-section on February 3rd. That's in four weeks! Less than a month really... I'm nervous and excited. That's about it. Hang in there Joshua, only a few more weeks to go!! :-)
Monday, January 3, 2011
33 weeks
I had a 33 week ultrasound today and everything is looking well. I say that with a deep breath because I'm still not satisfied with the "everything looks great" phrase. I wish I could be, BUT it's a new year and a new baby... so I'm trying my hardest! I felt really good after this appointment and we received some exciting news. My doctor wants to schedule a c-section at 37-38 weeks! Given my history, he doesn't want me to go any further along than that and that is 100% fine with me! We were going to try VBAC, but since there is a chance of uterine rupture, then I think we're going to schedule the c-section, unless I go into labor before then. I'm good with that too. I hated my c-section, but if I can have one with my baby safe in my arms, I'll gladly take the pain and long recovery period for that. Next week, I start NSTs twice a week and have another ultrasound in two weeks... the scary 35 week mark. I'm hoping that I can make it through this month. It feels so close now. I'm excited and terrified of reaching 35 weeks. But with all my NSTs, monitoring and seeing the doctor then, it makes me a little more comfortable. Hang in there Joshua, just a few more weeks! 4-5 to be exact! :-)
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Fear
This sucks and that's the only way I can explain it. With every passing week, I feel relieved and terrified at the same time. I'm 32 weeks now and 35 is quickly approaching, which is when I lost Alexandra. I know this is a different pregnancy, blah, blah, blah... but I cannot help but wonder, do I only have 3 more weeks left to go with this baby? I am hating this. Rather than being excited about his upcoming arrival, I'm just plain afraid I'm going to lose him too. I hate that I'm terrified of going to sleep each night because I'm afraid that when I wake up in the morning, he'll be gone. I hate that we have no real explanation as to why we lost Alexandra, so this entire pregnancy is kind of like a guessing game as to what will happen. I hate that I'm still terrified to buy any actual baby clothes. We received a couple of things for him at Christmas, which I was really happy about. I'm thinking if I reach 35, I will celebrate and buy a bunch of things then and do all of the things I didn't get to do with Alexandra. Maybe I just need to get over that milestone. I remember with Alexandra, the day I turned 35 weeks, I actually felt relieved. Her entire pregnancy, I acted as if I had already had a loss! I wish I could see into the future. All I want is to know this baby will be coming home with us. : ( This is so hard. I feel like every Mom who has gone through a pregnancy after a loss deserves a freakin medal! And it also annoys me that no matter how many times I tell people I'm afraid or worried, I hear, "Oh, everything WILL be just fine!!!!!" Oh really? Prove it!
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Peace of mind...maybe?
After Alexandra died, I remember I would sit here for hours and hours just googling stillbirth causes and anything having to do with grief and support. While I was doing that, I stumbled across this site, The Pregnancy Institute. I remember reading about what this doctor did for pregnant women who had already had a loss and I thought the work was amazing. I also felt so sad because I wondered if I had this for Alexandra, would we have been able to save her? But how were we to know? Months passed and I never really acted on it. For one thing, I didn't know if I would get pregnant again and when I did, my thoughts were, this doctor is in another state, how would that even work? Well, one day I was on Facebook of all things and one of my friends shared a video of how it all works. It was a newsclip of someone who had done this. I immediately took an interest in it and went to the site again and thought, what the hell, I'll e-mail him and see if I hear anything from him. If not, that's okay. Well, I e-mailed Dr. Collins and he e-mailed me right away and said to call him as soon as I could! I was floored. Months of fighting with ob/gyn offices just to talk to someone about another pregnancy, then fighting some more to talk to someone if I was afraid of something and for this doctor to follow up with me right away?! Well, I took it as a good sign.
For those of you who are not familiar with Dr. Collins, he specializes in cord related accidents and stillbirth. He had previously practiced for a number of years and had delivered babies in the past that had cord related accidents. He is now part of The Pregnancy Institute that offers home fetal monitoring for pregnant women who have had a previous stillbirth. To read more about him, go here and check out the videos he has.
As far as we know, Alexandra's death was not related to a cord accident. However, after contacting him he said he was interested in seeing us anyway. I admit to being afraid of this whole thing. Was it safe? Was it the right thing to do? Was traveling okay for me? Would it be worth it in the end? What it came down to was, my husband and I are willing to do anything at all possible to bring this little boy home with us and we would rather do something instead of nothing and regret it later when it was too late. So we flew down to Baton Rouge, LA and met with Dr. Collins. I can honestly say this is the most comfortable I have been up to this point. Just to talk to someone who understands how afraid we are and actually wants to discuss the issue of stillbirth was refreshing. My doctors have been great, thus far, but I can't help but feel that if something were to happen, all they would say was, there's nothing we could have done...like last time. Dr. Collins thinks differently. There is nothing we could have done isn't in his vocabulary and he wants to change that by using this home fetal monitoring system. It's basically a monitor that shows the heartrate and your contractions and you are hooked up to it every night for half an hour. After that, the results are e-mailed directly to him via
e-mail and he interprets them after that. If it shows any significant dips, that's when you are instructed to go to the hospital and not to leave until they do an ultrasound or get that baby out! I feel that many other doctors and associations all feel that his work is unnecessary and that he is not a professional. I can tell this already just by mentioning him to my own doctors. They have no idea who he is and really seem to not care. And that frustrates him to no end. It's just like the issue of stillbirth. Nobody, not even professionals want to ever talk about babies dying and when they do, it's just one of a few hundred instances that are unfortunate in the field and the issue is not discussed. Dr. Collins spoke to us about how often he has gone to conferences and spoken with ob/gyns about cord accidents/stillbirth and not one has this subject in any of their conferences. Why? You would think with how often stillbirth happens (and in this community, we all know it happens more often than people would think), someone would be interested in addressing the issue or at least looking into why these things happen. Hopefully, in the future maybe it will change.
I'm still waiting on one thing before I actually am able to e-mail him my nightly results, but I have been using the monitor since I have returned and it does add some peace of mind for me. I just hope it's all worth it in the end. Please let it be. :-)
For those of you who are not familiar with Dr. Collins, he specializes in cord related accidents and stillbirth. He had previously practiced for a number of years and had delivered babies in the past that had cord related accidents. He is now part of The Pregnancy Institute that offers home fetal monitoring for pregnant women who have had a previous stillbirth. To read more about him, go here and check out the videos he has.
As far as we know, Alexandra's death was not related to a cord accident. However, after contacting him he said he was interested in seeing us anyway. I admit to being afraid of this whole thing. Was it safe? Was it the right thing to do? Was traveling okay for me? Would it be worth it in the end? What it came down to was, my husband and I are willing to do anything at all possible to bring this little boy home with us and we would rather do something instead of nothing and regret it later when it was too late. So we flew down to Baton Rouge, LA and met with Dr. Collins. I can honestly say this is the most comfortable I have been up to this point. Just to talk to someone who understands how afraid we are and actually wants to discuss the issue of stillbirth was refreshing. My doctors have been great, thus far, but I can't help but feel that if something were to happen, all they would say was, there's nothing we could have done...like last time. Dr. Collins thinks differently. There is nothing we could have done isn't in his vocabulary and he wants to change that by using this home fetal monitoring system. It's basically a monitor that shows the heartrate and your contractions and you are hooked up to it every night for half an hour. After that, the results are e-mailed directly to him via
e-mail and he interprets them after that. If it shows any significant dips, that's when you are instructed to go to the hospital and not to leave until they do an ultrasound or get that baby out! I feel that many other doctors and associations all feel that his work is unnecessary and that he is not a professional. I can tell this already just by mentioning him to my own doctors. They have no idea who he is and really seem to not care. And that frustrates him to no end. It's just like the issue of stillbirth. Nobody, not even professionals want to ever talk about babies dying and when they do, it's just one of a few hundred instances that are unfortunate in the field and the issue is not discussed. Dr. Collins spoke to us about how often he has gone to conferences and spoken with ob/gyns about cord accidents/stillbirth and not one has this subject in any of their conferences. Why? You would think with how often stillbirth happens (and in this community, we all know it happens more often than people would think), someone would be interested in addressing the issue or at least looking into why these things happen. Hopefully, in the future maybe it will change.
I'm still waiting on one thing before I actually am able to e-mail him my nightly results, but I have been using the monitor since I have returned and it does add some peace of mind for me. I just hope it's all worth it in the end. Please let it be. :-)
Monday, November 29, 2010
28 weeks
28 weeks now and.... still not feeling all that safe. I know Alexandra's pregnancy is completely different than this one. It's a different baby too. Just because I lost Alexandra at 35 weeks does not mean something will happen with this one (fingers crossed). It's just so hard to feel completely confident in everything when I know the worst can happen because it happened once before. I hate it! But.... we had an ultrasound today and everything was well and on track. Baby is 2 lbs. 12 oz. :-) and here he is! I love him! I go back in five weeks and at 32 weeks, I start weekly NSTs. All I want is to bring this little guy home, so very much.
I haven't been able to buy anything yet because I've been too afraid. The logical side of me says, don't be silly. The act of buying something for this baby will not 'jinx' you. But my heart says, 'don't even think of it just yet'. I've been able to look at a lot of things I want though, so I guess that's a step in the right direction. The whole thing just sucks to say the least. This time with Alexandra, we had already signed her up for daycare and she was practically in the door. With this baby, we've been too afraid to sign her up for daycare and because of that, we probably won't get in until the fall. But I would rather have the dilemma of not knowing how to take care of the baby until then rather than something else right now. Hopefully in the next few weeks, I'll start to feel a little more confident and can start spoiling this new baby! And now that I'm officially on maternity leave, maybe I can start. :-) I decided to take an extra long leave this time around. No stress, no worrying about getting into a potential car accident on the way to or from work in the crazy traffic and weather... just lots of time to take it easy and focus on this little man.
I haven't been able to buy anything yet because I've been too afraid. The logical side of me says, don't be silly. The act of buying something for this baby will not 'jinx' you. But my heart says, 'don't even think of it just yet'. I've been able to look at a lot of things I want though, so I guess that's a step in the right direction. The whole thing just sucks to say the least. This time with Alexandra, we had already signed her up for daycare and she was practically in the door. With this baby, we've been too afraid to sign her up for daycare and because of that, we probably won't get in until the fall. But I would rather have the dilemma of not knowing how to take care of the baby until then rather than something else right now. Hopefully in the next few weeks, I'll start to feel a little more confident and can start spoiling this new baby! And now that I'm officially on maternity leave, maybe I can start. :-) I decided to take an extra long leave this time around. No stress, no worrying about getting into a potential car accident on the way to or from work in the crazy traffic and weather... just lots of time to take it easy and focus on this little man.
Monday, October 18, 2010
22 Weeks
Am I the only one that is not quite comforted by everything "looking good"? Because, that's all I ever heard with Alexandra until things WEREN'T looking good... But, to try and sound a bit more positive, today, everything looked good. I am right on track and baby is actually measuring a little ahead, in the 55% percentile and weighs 1 lb. 4 oz. So today I feel great about things. Next week (or maybe even tomorrow) I'll be worrying again. If they did ultrasounds every single day, I seriously think I would be okay with that. :-) I go back for another ultrasound in about five weeks and start NSTs shortly after that. Here is a picture of our little guy... and I'm not sure why it showed up sideways. :/
The other night, I went to buy a "Baby's 1st Halloween" onesie for my new niece along with some other things. I should have also been buying Alexandra one and it felt so sad. Then, I had every intention of starting to buy some blue things for this baby, but I got too scared. The logical side of me says that buying things for this baby will not "jinx" him in any way, but the pyschological side of me says, "don't even think about doing that stuff yet! are you kidding me??" Maybe someday soon...or maybe he'll just run around naked for the first few days after he's born, what's the harm in that? Or maybe he'll wear pink for the first week or so... I don't know. I just hope he comes home.
The other night, I went to buy a "Baby's 1st Halloween" onesie for my new niece along with some other things. I should have also been buying Alexandra one and it felt so sad. Then, I had every intention of starting to buy some blue things for this baby, but I got too scared. The logical side of me says that buying things for this baby will not "jinx" him in any way, but the pyschological side of me says, "don't even think about doing that stuff yet! are you kidding me??" Maybe someday soon...or maybe he'll just run around naked for the first few days after he's born, what's the harm in that? Or maybe he'll wear pink for the first week or so... I don't know. I just hope he comes home.
Friday, October 8, 2010
20 weeks
Tomorrow I will officially be 21 weeks pregnant. Normally, I would have a sigh of relief because I have gotten this far, but let's face it..I still have a hell of a long ways to go. I'm not even at my "scary" week yet (35 weeks). I don't think I'm going to feel relieved until this baby boy is in my arms screaming. I hate this feeling of worry and doom. I try to be positive every day though too, it's just super hard.
Today I called my doctor to ask her if what I've been feeling lately is normal. I barely ever did this with Alexandra. I always thought, it's normal... I'm fine. And would usually take whatever I read in my books or online as being okay. Not this time! My belly has been feeling tight and full, usually in the evenings when I'm home from work. It doesn't hurt and it's just uncomfortable to say the least. I don't feel like walking anywhere and I just want to sit my ass down on the couch and watch TV. So I called today about it and my doctor said to come on in for some reassurance. Sure enough, baby's heartbeat was a perfect 150 bpm and she said it was everything just stretching. Has anyone felt like this? I'm just curious. The only thing that worried me was it wasn't going away after a few minutes and lasting for hours. But I guess it's all normal. :-)
I'm glad everything is okay and I'm really glad my doctor agreed to see me. I wasn't expecting an actual visit. I thought she would just call back and tell me what it was, so that was actually nice (considering I just saw her Tuesday too)! I go for another ultrasound in two weeks. I'm looking forward to it, but also worrying...of course.
Today I called my doctor to ask her if what I've been feeling lately is normal. I barely ever did this with Alexandra. I always thought, it's normal... I'm fine. And would usually take whatever I read in my books or online as being okay. Not this time! My belly has been feeling tight and full, usually in the evenings when I'm home from work. It doesn't hurt and it's just uncomfortable to say the least. I don't feel like walking anywhere and I just want to sit my ass down on the couch and watch TV. So I called today about it and my doctor said to come on in for some reassurance. Sure enough, baby's heartbeat was a perfect 150 bpm and she said it was everything just stretching. Has anyone felt like this? I'm just curious. The only thing that worried me was it wasn't going away after a few minutes and lasting for hours. But I guess it's all normal. :-)
I'm glad everything is okay and I'm really glad my doctor agreed to see me. I wasn't expecting an actual visit. I thought she would just call back and tell me what it was, so that was actually nice (considering I just saw her Tuesday too)! I go for another ultrasound in two weeks. I'm looking forward to it, but also worrying...of course.
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